


All These Things That I've Done

by MissCoppelia



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bullying, But then they're adults, Disability, F/M, Force Bond In a Modern Setting, Hearing disability, Little bit of High School AU, No Pregnancy, Speech impediment, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, Tattoo Shop Owner, Tattoos, time skip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:42:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 24,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22588861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissCoppelia/pseuds/MissCoppelia
Summary: Someone dropped down to Rey's level and reached for the empty plastic shell of her case. She stilled for a moment, afraid that she was about to get smacked with it, afraid to look up.“Sorry about him,” she heard over the sound of her heart beating through her ears.Not Hux? This voice was deeper.Rey looked up and saw Ben Solo in front of her, holding out the case for her, a sympathetic look in his dark brown eyes.
Relationships: Jannah/Rose Tico, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 171
Kudos: 349
Collections: For one is both and both are one in love: The Reylo Fanfiction Anthology's Valentine's Day Exchange, RHG: Medusa Issue #01, Reylo Hidden Gems





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MahoganyDoodles](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MahoganyDoodles/gifts).



> Hi MahoganyDoodles! 
> 
> I sincerely hope you like this because whoo boy did I go off the deep end! But I did manage to squeeze two of your prompts in!! And I promise for all the angst-y mess, there is a super cheesy happy ending! 
> 
> This fic is loosely based off an anime/manga called A Silent Voice, which is a very moving series.
> 
> Warning: This fic involves bullying and suicidal ideation, as well as mentions of past suicide attempts.
> 
> Big thank you to the RFFA mods, two of whom did the beta-reading and sensitivity reading on this fic. I will reveal their identities later on, just in case I am also an RFFA mod. And thank you to the person who did moodboard. You know who you are and that I love you <3

__

__

_When I think back on those years, I wish I had done things differently. I wish I had been a better person. I wish I didn’t hate myself._

_Buf if I hadn’t, would I have ever known the happiness you bring me now?_

* * *

Rey thought high school was going surprisingly well. The kids at her old foster home had downright scared her with their horror stories of high school. But so far she didn’t think it was so bad. As long as she brought as little attention to herself as possible, no one noticed or cared about her.

The new hearing aids were working well, which was making the transition into her new foster home and her freshman year of high school so much easier. She could hear the teachers clearly, so she didn’t have to sit right in front of the classroom, and the teachers didn’t have to stop classes just so she could understand them. Plus, they could barely be seen with her hair half down and a few pieces artfully styled around her face. No one had seen them. As long as she kept her mouth shut, she was sure no one would. It was a bit lonely though. Rey wanted to join the groups of girls who would congregate and chat away faster than she could follow. 

_Maybe when I finish with speech therapy,_ she told herself often. _When I can talk like I want to._

 _  
_ At least now she had her foster brother Finn, and he was more than she could have ever expected. They bonded quickly over the summer when she’d transferred to Maz’ foster home, and now he was her best friend, and the first person who’d felt like family since she’d lost her own. The joy he brought her kept Rey afloat many times.

Really, between Finn and Maz and the little ones, she finally felt wanted and loved by someone. Especially after all Maz did to help to get her the proper medical care, new hearing aids, and speech therapy. 

_Next appointment’s on Friday,_ Rey reminded herself.

As she rounded the corner, she looked down at her phone, eager to see if Finn had texted her. She didn’t hear the footsteps and chatter coming from the other side of the corner. It blended in with the rest of the noise of the school once classes got out for the day, which was always sooo much to filter through. No wonder she ran straight into Armitage Hux.

The tall red-headed boy grunted and Rey’s head bounced backward after her nose made contact with his chest. The notebook and pencil case she had been carrying slapped on the flooring and exploded. Little pens and eraser stubs scattering all over. 

For a moment her head rang from the impact, drowning out all other noise momentarily until someone shoved at her shoulder hard. 

“Watch where you’re going, you fucking dumbass!” 

Rey stumbled back and felt something break under her heel. She was still a little dizzy, but she should pick up her pens before anything else got broken. It was hard enough keeping her younger foster siblings from stealing them. 

_Shit. Shit. Shit._ This was getting really bad, really fast. She needed to get out of here.

“Dude,” someone said as she kneeled and began grabbing at things. “Calm the fuck down.” 

Her hands enclosed around anything she grab onto, leaving bits of lead and ballpoint pens to press against the delicate skin of her palms as she fumbled to grab more. _Where was the pencil case?_ She needed to get out of here fast. Armitage Hux was not the kind of person she wanted to talk to. He was a bully. The kind of person who started fights for no reason. He didn’t need to notice her.

Someone dropped down to her level and reached for the empty plastic shell of her case. Rey stilled for a moment, afraid that she was about to get smacked with it, afraid to look up. 

“Sorry about him,” she heard over the sound of her heart beating through her ears. 

Not Hux? This voice was deeper.

Rey looked up and saw Ben Solo in front of her, holding out the case for her, a sympathetic look in his dark brown eyes. _Isn’t he trouble too?_ He was always hanging around Hux. Anyone who hung around Hux couldn’t be trusted. And he always wore so much black. Even his P.E. shirt was black. He looked like a shadow creature waiting to leap out and scare someone. Rey didn’t like people like that.

She tugged the case out of his hands a little too quickly and Rey winced to herself. 

_Please don’t hold that against me. I don’t want to bother you, I just want to leave._

They both reached for a pencil at the same time, their fingers colliding into each other just as awkwardly as Rey had bumped into Hux. A jolt of electricity shot through her hand and Rey felt a warmth wash over her. The world slowed and a sense of calm filled her.

_He won’t hurt me._

He felt like home. Content in her favorite spot on the porch, but better because he was there. 

Her head raised to find her shocked expression mirrored on Ben’s face. His eyes were wide, but they morphed from surprise to something calmer, a soft smile beginning to grace his lips. Did he feel it too?

_Yes, I can feel it too. What is it?_

Rey shot up instantly. She wobbled slightly, still disoriented. Ben’s eyes followed her, watched as she took a split second to steady herself, and then they were behind her. He was behind her. They all were behind her now. 

She felt all wrong suddenly, like her body was being pulled back to where Ben Solo was still kneeling on the linoleum. Somehow she knew he was still kneeling. She knew it more than she knew anything else was true in the universe. She knew the soft huff of breath he made as he watched her, and the way his fingers curled in frustration, and the ache he was feeling in his heart. Walking away felt like ripping up her very soul. Something deep inside of her hated it. 

_Oh god, oh god, oh god, what just happened?_

_I don’t know,_ a voice that was very much not her’s answered.

Rey kept walking. She wanted to run, but walking was all she could stand as nausea hit. The feeling didn’t go away until she threw herself into her bed, utterly exhausted, and closed her eyes.

* * *

It was a quiet Sunday afternoon, and Rey was taking advantage of the lack of noise in the house. Maz had taken the others to the park, and Finn volunteered to help keep watch over them. A rare moment of true peace and quiet. 

So of course she immediately pulled out her notebook and began writing, lulled easily into a happy, focused state.

She didn’t stop until someone across the table lifted their head to look at her.

“What are you doing?”

Ben Solo sat across from her, resting his head on a hand and gazing at her with sleepy eyes. 

_How did_ **_he_ ** _get into the house?_

Ben raised his eyebrows. “Can you hear me?”  
  
_No, wait. He had been sleeping there? For how long exactly?_

Rey glared at him and slammed her notebook shut. His eyebrows raised slightly and he shrugged. “It’s okay, you don’t have to show me.” 

He looked around the room, and then back at her. “So am I dreaming?”

“What?” she said quickly before gulping and hoping her voice didn’t sound weird.  
  
“Why are you in my room?”

“I-I mnot?” 

_Shit,_ _definitely sounded weird that time._

“Huh. Weird. I put my head down for a second, and this happened. Must be a dream.”

Maybe she was dreaming. Yeah, that must be it. He was in her dream. She’d nodded off at the kitchen table and her subconscious was doing something funny because she’d touched him the other day in the hallway. 

Rey watched him as he watched her, taking careful note of his face, his expressions, the little moles sprinkled across his skin. He was still wearing black. Rey supposed it worked with his pale complexion. He seemed far more relaxed than he usually did.  
  
After a minute of staring, he leaned back in the chair and smiled. “This is going to be weird when we wake up.”

She nodded, looking down to fiddle with her pencil, but when she brought her head up, he was gone.  
  
Scanning the room, Rey tried to find him again, but there was no one. The door slammed behind her, making her nearly jump from her seat as the sounds of her many foster siblings filled her ears.

* * *

If that conversation had really happened, Ben showed no sign of it during P.E. in the days to come - their only class together. Rey watched him as much as she could, from afar, where it looked like she could be staring at just about anyone. 

He didn’t look her way. Not even once. 

_Weird,_ she thought. _Was it a dream?_

But something was there. She almost felt comforted by his presence. It swirled around her like a gentle wind, soft, and just the right temperature. 

When class ended and they went their separate ways, Rey felt a pull again, as if being any further apart from Ben was a mistake. But there wasn’t any logical explanation for it.

_Is this what a crush feels like? Probably is. If I stare at him all period, of course it’s going to feel weird._

Probably better that she wouldn’t see him for the rest of the day. Or at least until lunch.

She spotted him instantly at a far away table, but quickly turned her head, looking for Finn. The feeling returned. But of course, it did. It would when she couldn’t stop thinking about Ben Solo.

* * *

“Cunt.”

Rey shuddered as she passed Armitage Hux and his friends. Just slightly. She couldn’t show her nervousness, her fear. They’d leap on it in a second. 

The voice was Hux’s, not Ben Solo’s. After a week of watching him, she got the feeling that he wasn’t like the boys he tended to hang around. He stood by quietly while the others talked trash, looking like he wanted to ignore it.

Hux, however… Hux was terrible. How did he have any friends at all? Why did Ben stick to his side when they weren’t in class? 

* * *

Night time was hard. When it got all quiet and everyone was asleep, Rey’s mind tended to stray toward her problems. 

Quietly, she snuck out to the porch, shuffling along in her socks, careful not to let the door close too loudly. She let herself sink into the rocking swing and pulled out the picture of her parents.

They held her in that photo like they loved her, like they didn’t care about her disability, like they weren’t going to leave her with a relative just a month later and never come back. Rey dreamed about those days, back when she didn’t know how cruel the world was. Back when she was just herself and not pretending to be fine. The same question picked away at her insides now. _Why?_

It ate at her like all the times she went without meals. _Why? Why? Why? Why?_

“Hi.”

Rey gasped at the voice beside her, the swing creaking and rocking when she flinched. 

_Ben Solo._

“Can’t sleep, huh? Me neither.” He looked really calm sitting beside her on the swing and Rey hated it. 

“Or it’s a dream. I’m not sure. But it keeps happening,” he told her, looking up at the night sky. “Pinch me?”

Rey shook her head and curled up against the armrest, wishing for more space between the two of them.

“Mmkay,” he hummed. “Pretty sure you didn’t climb onto my roof without me noticing, so I’m just going to assume it’s a dream.” 

_You’re on_ **_my porch,_ ** _so I don’t know what you’re talking about,_ was what Rey wanted to snap back with, but didn’t. She just pressed her lips together and glared at him. 

Ben raised his eyebrows, but his gaze remained on the stars above. “Your porch? Huh. Definitely a dream then. I have no clue where you live.” 

Rey frowned. Had she said that out loud? 

“It sounds like you said it outloud, but it’s a dream, right?” Ben picked at something on his foot, not really looking at Rey. “I guess if it’s a dream, I can say anything and you won’t actually remember the next day.”

 _At least I hope you won’t,_ a voice in her head that sounded a lot like Ben’s said.

He shifted and turned to look at her. The porch swing didn’t creak as he moved, and Rey’s breath caught in her throat. Maybe it really was a dream. Her eyes moved back up from the gentle rocking of the swing to Ben. Those big brown eyes were full of trepidation and fear, but they were so beautiful in all their emotions.

“If you do remember, don’t tell anyone?”

Rey raised her eyebrows, but the look of fear on his face grew stronger, so she nodded slowly.

_I won’t tell anyone._

With a big whuff, Ben’s shoulders relaxed and his lips pursed around the air leaving his lungs. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Then he inhaled, and tried to speak again.

“I think about this a lot. I-I don’t ever stop thinking about it. I don’t ever stop worrying about it,” he said quickly, his hands curled into tense fists.

“Do you ever think it would just be easier if you were gone? Like if you just didn’t exist?”

Her eyes darted down to her hands, her feet, anywhere but Ben’s eyes looking so imploringly at her.

 _All the time,_ she thought as she inhaled deep and the air stung in her chest. 

“My parents care more about their jobs than they care about seeing me,” he told her. “We used to go see movies together. We used to just hang out and take bike rides, and now they’re never home. Not even to tell me to go to bed. And I don’t know _why._ I think they just don’t like me anymore.”

A fire of jealousy and hatred and envy exploded in Rey’s heart as he talked about what his family used to do. Together. But before she could lash out, the tears only just starting to pool in her eyes, Ben was leaning toward her.

“Ar-Are you okay?”

When she looked over at him, his face was full of concern. 

Rey shook her head and tried to bite back the thought clawing its way out of her head, but it was useless. It tore out like a hurricane.

 _I don’t_ **_have_ ** _a family. They abandoned me._

Regret passed over Ben’s expression instantly. 

“I’m sorry,” he said quickly, then with a hint of indignation. “I didn’t know.” 

Rey tried to say more, she wanted to say that of course he didn’t know, but he had already faded away. 


	2. Chapter 2

__

“Miss Johnson, please see me after class,” Ms. Holdo announced. 

Rey cringed as the rest of her second period English class began to react with low, amused sounds that she could see on their lips more than she could hear them. She nodded to the teacher and saw Hux a few seats ahead of her, staring at her with a self-satisfied grin on his face.

It wasn’t until the end of the class that she realized why.

“You didn’t turn in your last reading summary, Rey,” Miss Holdo told her as Rey closed the door. All the teachers let her do it if they needed to talk to her, so she would feel comfortable talking.

She took a deep breath, frowning, trying to think about how that was possible. Rey was sure she remembered putting her assignment in the pile as they handed them up to the front of the class...

_ Oh.  _

_ Hux sits ahead of me. _

“Buh I daad it, Miess Hulldo.” she told the teacher with a sigh, cringing at the way the words always came out wrong. Her speech therapist was so encouraging, but whenever Rey had to actually speak it felt like she’d never learn to get it right. She was still learning how messed up her hearing had been before she was placed in Maz’s care. Progress was slow.

“Do you know where it is then?” 

Rey shook her head no, even though it was a lie. Hux had it. Or he’d thrown it away where it couldn’t be found again. She was sure of it.

_ Bastard,  _ she thought as tears began to prickle at her eyes.

Miss Holdo took a long look at Rey’s distraught face and sighed. “Would you mind re-writing it for me? Just put it on my desk tomorrow, and you’ll only lose 10 points for lateness.” 

Nodding, Rey turned to the door and left. Not ten feet from the classroom stood Hux, Mitaka, Ben, Phasma, plus an older student named Pryde that she didn’t know well. They were chatting, but the moment Hux turned to look at Rey, their conversation halted. 

“Well, well, look who finally got out of class. Turning into a delinquent, are we?” 

Her whole body tensed as Phasma and Pryde chuckled, and Rey stepped to the side and started to walk around them. Hux’s hand shot out and gripped Rey’s forearm, forcing her to wince aloud and wobble on her feet. Thank goodness she’d already put away her pencil case. It couldn’t take another spill without breaking. 

“You didn’t apologize for running straight into me the other day, you little bitch. Don’t you have manners?” Hux growled. 

It hurt where he was holding onto her, and Rey saw Ben lurch forward, his hand making its way to Hux’s shoulder to pull at him just as she ripped herself out of his grip. Taking a step back she raised a middle finger at a surprised Hux, and walked away as fast as she could possibly walk.

She was shaking when she found Finn waiting for her at the school entrance.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, concern immediately etched onto his face.

Rey shook her head.  _ Just got scared by someone. _

“Someone scared you while you were walking over? That sucks. I’m sorry.”

Rey smiled and nodded, and let Finn hold her hand on the bus back to their house. The way his thumb stroked the back of her palm helped her calm down somewhat, but her heart didn’t stop pounding for hours, and when she undressed that night, there were bruises forming in the shape of Hux’s fingers on her arm.

* * *

“This again?”

Rey looked over to where Ben was laying down on the floor of the garage. Maz had asked her to find the Halloween decorations, but they were buried behind piles of boxes from the newer kids. Some relative had dropped off all the toys, despite the social worker warning him not to. It resulted in a whole mess and a restraining order, and all these useless boxes of toys in the garage.

She was starting to get used to Ben showing up randomly when her mind wandered, but it still startled her.

_ This again. _

“These dreams are so weird. You don’t even really talk. I can just hear you.”

Rey sighed and picked up a box, hoping that it would reveal what she was looking for so she could leave. 

“I’m sorry about last time, I didn’t mean to upset you,” he said. “Uh, if you even remember.” 

_ I remember,  _ Rey told him as she dropped the box about a foot from his head. 

Ben sat up with a start, looking straight at her with questioning eyes as he faded away.

_ You and your friends are pieces of shit, _ she thought, just before he disappeared completely. Rey wondered if he heard her.

* * *

Rey didn’t need to guess who wrote the word “bitch” on her locker. She just found Finn, who helped her report it to the janitor. The man looked at her with sadness and pity as her foster brother explained and Rey stared at her feet.   
  
The rest of her day was spent in fear, scared that Hux might find her and have his gang corner her in a deserted hallway. 

If only she and Finn had more classes together, all of it  _ might _ be more bearable, but she already hated that she couldn’t take care of it all herself. Not without outing herself.

The next day there was a large penis drawn there with the words “slut” instead.

* * *

This time she noticed him first. She was out on the porch again just because it was a nice night. Not too cold yet. Just right with a blanket wrapped around her.    
  
It had been a strange time. Rey was used to being bullied for her speech impediment, not for running into the wrong people in the hallways. She had no idea how to make it stop, so Rey decided to focus on things that made her happy - like looking out at the starry night.

Of course, her wandering mind meant Ben appeared as if she’d fallen into a dream. But usually she didn’t remember all the details of her dreams. Whenever Ben came around, she remembered everything. The only strange thing was that he showed no signs of remembering  _ her. _

_ You’re back,  _ she told him. He was sitting as if he was staring out a window, but to her he looked like he was staring at the woods on the other side of the porch. He flinched, then relaxed and smiled slightly as he turned. 

“Guess so.”

It was probably a bad idea to think he was handsome when he smiled, but he was. His eyes questioned her as if he could tell she was holding something back from him, but Rey did her best to chase the thought away.    
  
“You feeling any better today?”

Rey narrowed her eyes. 

_ Your friends are vandalizing my locker. _

Ben frowned. “They are?”

_ They are. What’s Hux’s fucking problem? All I did was bump into him. _

He sighed across from her and looked away at whatever it was he could see. “Hux has a lot of problems. I think he likes to look for them.”

_ Why do you hang out with him? _

Ben turned back and leveled his gaze at her. “He’s the only person who lets me hang around them. Everyone else hates me.” 

_ Oh. _ That explained a lot about Ben, actually. The black. The near-constant surly look on his face at school. Maybe he didn’t want to be around Hux at all, but he didn’t want to be alone either. Rey could understand not wanting to be alone. It was why she clung to Finn most days. But Hux was a different story altogether. He was violent, and menacing, and wholly mean-spirited. How could Ben stand to be around him at all?

_ I don’t hate you. And I’d like you better if you weren’t around Hux all the time. _

She wasn’t expecting the surprise that appeared on his face. In the span of seconds she saw relief, she saw his questioning, and then sheer, unbridled hope.

“Do you mean that?” He said, voice trembling with emotion. 

Somewhere in the distance someone shouted his name, and Ben jumped a mile before turning to look at the source of the voice. Rey had already opened her mouth when he turned back to her.

“I duu.”  


There were tears forming in his eyes as he faded away.

* * *

The next morning, Rey dreaded seeing her locker defaced again. She scanned each hallway now, hoping not to see the familiar ginger head bobbing above most of the others. Rey loved school, loved learning just for the sake of it, but every other moment - or at least the ones not spent with Finn - had become agony. 

Her throat became heavy and full when she spotted Ben by her locker. No…he was leaning up  _ against _ her locker.

Panic struck as she looked for signs of Hux and the others, but oddly they weren’t around. It was just Ben.

A new wave of worry washed over her as realization took hold. Ben remembered the dreams too. Ben was here because of what she’d said last night. Ben had heard her speak aloud. 

She trembled as she approached her locker, slowly, step by step. There were so many questions to ask, and so many things that worried her. Rey almost wished that Hux or Phasma or Mitaka were nearby, so at least she’d know it was unintentional. Then she could just run and hide.

He shifted, and Rey immediately trained her eyes on the floor, dashing over to the locker before he saw her looking at him.

“Moovb.”  _ Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. _ Did he notice? She didn’t dare look up.

“Rey?” he asked, with a hint of surprise in his voice. He didn’t move away from her locker. 

“MOOVB,” Rey said louder. 

The noise rattled in her head, unfamiliar and awkward. It made her cringe. 

Ben didn’t cringe. He unfolded his arms, his back straightened, and he moved. As she asked. When he did, she saw her locker. Clean. 

“Ah, there’s the teacher I was waiting for. Sorry to block your locker.”

Rey felt the tug of loss as he walked away.

* * *

“Oh fuck, not again,” Finn muttered. 

They were walking together after lunch in the cafeteria. Rey hadn’t looked up the entire time she ate, scared to find Ben in the crowd, even though she could feel him near. Finn hadn’t noticed her strange mood. He’d been too busy telling her about this cute guy in his chemistry class. 

Her head whipped up just in time to see Ben standing in front of her locker again, glaring at it, his fights tight. “KILL YOURSELF” was printed on her locker in large letters, scribbled in black marker for everyone to see. Rey’s stomach dropped. 

“ _ YOU! _ ” Finn growled as he made his way toward Ben. “ _ You _ did this!”

Ben’s eyes scanned Finn’s face worriedly, then whipped to hers. Rey averted her eyes quickly. She couldn’t bear to look at him, scared that she’d find a bully and not the boy who was starting grow on her.    
  
“No? No, no, I didn’t,” Ben protested.

Finn grabbed the front of Ben’s shirt, ignoring the fact that Ben had about 5 inches on him. “I don’t believe you for a second, you bastard!” 

Ben tried rip Finn off him, but Finn was holding onto him too tightly. Ben’s knuckles grew white wrapped around the other boy’s wrist. “I didn’t fucking do it! I don’t have any markers on me!” 

His angry eyes turned back to Rey, who was watching them now, frozen in place.

_ Tell him!  _ His voice shouted in her head.  _ TELL HIM! _

She couldn’t move. If she opened her mouth, the crowd that was beginning to gather would hear her. She could sign to Finn -no, that would be just as noticeable.The whole school would know. They would turn on her. It was paralyzing. 

“Apologize to Rey!” Finn yelled as he shook Ben violently. “Apologize for what you did!” 

“Don’t you fucking listen? I didn’t  _ do _ anything!” Ben growled. 

_ "B REAK IT UP! _ _”_ A voice boomed over the crowd. Coach Canady shouldered his way through a moment later, glaring daggers at both Finn and Ben, looking away only to take note of Rey’s locker.

Finn immediately dropped Ben and stepped away. “Sorry, sir. We weren’t actually fighting. Just yelling.”

Canady sneered. “Lucky you weren’t then or I’d have you both expelled on the spot. What’s going on here?” 

Ben stared at the old man, his anger and pride written plainly on his face. “Nothing happened. I didn’t do what he’s accusing me of.”

Finn stood up straight and looked Canady straight in the eye. “My sister Rey’s locker was vandalized,” Finn said authoritatively. “He was standing across from it. We saw him.” 

“Rey? Who’s Rey?” Canady snapped. 

Finn pointed to her, and Rey tried not to squirm. 

“Ah,  _ you. _ ” Rey didn’t like the tone in the older man’s voice as he recognized her. She knew that tone. She remembered the meeting with the teachers. She’d caught a few of them rolling their eyes in disdain.

“Principal’s office. Now.” 

Canady grabbed Ben by the arm and shoved him to the front of the pack, while Finn and Rey trailed behind, anxiously. The other students parted as if they were water, watching them like they were headed to their executions.

Principal Snoke wasn’t in when their little parade reached his office, so Canady sat them down, having a low conversation with the secretary by the doorway as they waited. Rey was thankfully not sitting next to Ben, but she could feel the distress rolling off of him. 

“Hey, you okay, sis?” Finn asked her softly.   
  
Rey nodded and signed to him.  _ He didn’t do it. It was probably Hux. _

“I definitely didn’t do it.” 

Both Finn and Rey looked up at him, startled. 

“You know sign language?” Finn asked.

“Uhh,” Ben said, his eyes growing wide with surprise. “No. I’m just saying. I didn’t do it.”

“Shut it, you three,” Canady snapped. 

With Finn’s eyes averted, Ben’s found hers and Rey saw a worried look. He  _ had _ understood her signing. He didn’t know how he’d understood it. He was scared.

It could only mean one thing. 

_ The dreams are real.  _

Rey’s mind went into overdrive searching for some kind of logical explanation. She didn’t even notice Snoke’s arrival until the door slammed. 

“Children.” The old man sat, his hands steepling immediately. He was disgusting. All that wrinkled skin covering a body too thin for its own good, the scars. He looked like a ghoul come to life. “I’m told there was a fight over the  _ girl’s _ locker being vandalized.” 

The way he referred to her made her want to snarl in disgust. Ben felt the same way, but now he was even more frightened than before. She could feel his heart pounding hard alongside her own.

“That’s what I saw, sir,” Canady grunted from behind Rey. 

Snoke turned his cold gaze on her. “Tell me, girl. What happened?”

Closing her eyes, Rey opened her mouth and prepared herself.    
  
“I can interpret for her, Mr. Snoke,” Finn said quickly. “With her speech impediment, it’s easier for Rey to use sign language. Right, sis?”   
  
With a huff, she smiled and nodded, signing her thanks to him.    
  
“If I remember correctly, you’re her foster brother?” Snoke asked.   
  
“Yes, sir.”

“I’m sure the girl appreciates your gestures, but unfortunately she must speak for herself.”    
  
Rey’s heart sank and Ben lurched forward in his seat, as if to say something, but Snoke reached out a hand. “Silence, boy. I’ll let you speak soon enough.” 

Ben sat back in his seat, and Snoke’s hand turned back towards Rey, entreating her to speak. With a deep breath, she tried to calm herself and focus.    
  
“My lohcherz beng vuh-vuhndlizd,” she said, trying her best not to stop, or to cry. Every word felt like nails on a chalkboard, the wrong sounds spilling from her. “I dobt noh whoez doo-ng it. I habnt sehn-”

“Speak more clearly, girl. I can’t understand you,” Snoke growled.

The tears threatened to come. Rey curled her hands into fists, begging herself not to cry in front of this evil, horrible man.  _ How dare he- _

“Rey’s in speech therapy, sir,” Finn hissed. “She’s trying.” 

Snoke didn’t hide the look of disgust on his face while he assessed the situation. “Very well, she may write a statement, _ if she can. _ ”

Finn nearly threw his chair across the room. “Fuck you! She’s  _ not  _ illiterate!” 

“I see you are interested in a suspension, boy,” Snoke replied. “Wait outside.” 

Once Finn had, Snoke pulled out a pad and pen.   
  
“Make it legible,” he commanded.

They sat in a shaky silence while Rey wrote, trying to force back her anger and sadness. The tears that threatened to spill weren’t just for herself, but for the injustice of it all. Rey wrote it all down. Every last bit of information about Hux, about the locker, the way he’d grabbed her. She wished the bruises hadn’t faded already, so she could show the principal. This was her only chance to end this madness. 

When she finished, Snoke looked over the statement quickly and put the pad down. He leveled his gaze at Ben. “Solo, if you would please tell me your side of this story. I need to know whether to tell your mother you’re lying again or not.”

Ben’s face crumpled. “Mr. Snoke, I swear I didn’t write anything on her locker.”

“Her statement indicates otherwise,” Snoke said, a tint of cruelty in his voice. 

Rey began to shake her head, trying to protest, but Snoke put the notepad out of her reach. “Both you and the other boy will receive a two day suspension. And you, girl, will receive a Saturday detention for causing a fight.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note: This chapter is the beginning of people using ablist slurs against Rey. It is not meant to condone the use of this language, but to illustrate a bad thing that is happening in the story.

__

Everyone was mad. 

Finn was storming around the kitchen trying not to throw things or scare the little ones, but it wasn’t working. Rey had to plunk them down in front of the TV and let them be distracted by a rare, uninterrupted hour of cartoons.

“He implied Rey was illiterate! Can you believe that?”

“Principal Snoke doesn’t know Rey well,” Maz countered, her voice calm and measured. “Perhaps he has forgotten the meeting we had at the beginning of the school year.”

“Like hell he did!” Finn roared. 

“I’ll speak to someone at the district and see if he can be reprimanded for this behavior, and what else we can do.” Maz sighed and Rey could tell her foster mother was just barely holding back her own rage at the situation. Her anger was a force that would stop for no one until Maz was satisfied with the result.   
  
Rey was angry too. It had been so  _ humiliating, _ the way Snoke had treated her. The way he had treated Finn. And, though to a lesser degree, the way he had treated Ben. It felt all wrong, whatever had happened in that office. Like somehow justice had been twisted into something hurtful. Justice wasn’t _ supposed _ to be that way.

She hadn’t even mentioned Ben except for that he was looking at her locker before they came across him.

_ I should have said it wasn’t him. I wasn’t clear enough. _

Only Maz caught her signing. 

“Oh Rey, don’t blame yourself. It wasn’t your fault.” 

She nodded numbly. It was true. But it was her fault. Her fault for not saying anything. Her fault for not being able to stop this. Her fault for not being able to speak. Her fault for _ existing. _

It hurt so much, just  _ existing.  _ Being unneeded, being humiliated, being ignored. She wanted to be normal, to be better, to not have to struggle just to be understood, to not have to be mocked and bullied for who she was.

She stood and headed toward the door.

“Rey,” Finn said softly. “Don’t go.” 

Looking at her brother, she contemplated it. If he needed her, then she should stay. But god, she was so exhausted. Her hand enclosed around the door frame, and she just stared, silently begging him to understand why she needed to be alone.

“Let her go, Finn. Rey needs to rest.” 

It was eerie sometimes how well Maz was able to read her moods, but right now Rey was just grateful. She trudged back to her room and laid down on the bed, letting her muscles sink into the soft of her blankets. She reached up to take out her hearing aids, but a sob echoed next to her.

_ Ben… _

Their heads turned toward each other at the exact same moment, her tired eyes catching his wet ones. Rey curled onto her side. Ben’s cheek was bright red, as if someone had smacked him hard. His parents?

His lips curled at the sight of her. “ _ You. _ ” 

Rey froze. She could feel the anger roiling off of him like a violent surf breaking against rocks.    
  
_ I’m sorry, _ she thought hurriedly.  _ He didn’t listen to me. I-  _

“Like he could fucking understand a word you said. I know I couldn’t.” 

Her heart felt like crumbling away inside her chest at the jab. It hurt worse coming from him.  _ That wouldn’t have happened if he’d let Finn translate for me. _

“Oh yeah? Great job blaming me in your written statement, by the way.” He looked so hurt by that. Just having to tell her. His eyes threatened to erupt again.

_ I didn’t!  _ She pleaded, praying that somehow she could soothe the anger so she could comfort him, so they could comfort each other. It wasn’t right being angry with him. Everything inside her told her to stop.

“Yeah! You didn’t! You didn’t say a damn thing to defend me either!”

_ I didn’t say you did it though! I thought he’d understand that we didn’t see you doing anything! _

“Well he didn’t! He fucking hates me too!” Ben let out a loud huff and looked away. “I thought we were friends, but you didn’t even tell your brother I didn’t do it when he grabbed me!”

_ For what it’s worth, he knows you didn’t do it now,  _ Rey told him. 

“For what it’s worth,” he chuckled, his tone bitter. 

Ben stood and towered over her bed. Rey moved to sit up but Ben leaned down threateningly, backing her into the wall.

“You turned your back on me.  _ Fuck you. _ ” The hate was clear on his face.

_ Ben, please, I didn’t mean to… _

“I don’t ever want to see your face again.” He pulled away, his teeth bared. “Bitch.”

* * *

Finn was back at school today.

Normally that’d make Rey rejoice. She’d missed him. Being at school without him left her feeling vulnerable and exposed. People looked at her now. People whispered. Rey couldn’t help but feel anxious at all the extra attention.

But Finn’s return meant Ben would be back at school too. She hoped they didn’t cross paths. Hux and his crew had left her locker alone, but she saw them glaring at her in the hallways, muttering to each other. Rey didn’t doubt they’d retaliate at some point. It was just a matter of when, how, and would she be able to stand up to the pressure. 

By 5th period, nothing had happened. Her locker was clean. Lunch went smoothly (though Finn being glued to her side probably had something to do with it). She didn’t feel Ben. She didn’t even sense him.

Normally he was there, in the background, like a little hummingbird flitting to and fro. Further away from her, or maybe closer. But not today. It made everything worse. Would she see him between classes? After school? Would he still be mad at her? Her chest felt tight just thinking about him catching her by surprise.

So when she went to the restroom during class, she wasn’t expecting to find anyone else out in the hallways. Maybe one or two stray students also headed to use the toilet, but not Hux and his entire gang crowded around Ben and snickering.

By her locker.

“Holy fuck, Ben,” Mitaka said with a goofy laugh. “So it’s really true?”   
  
She could smell something in the air as she slowed, hiding behind a pillar so they wouldn’t see her just yet.   
  
“Yeah, she’s a retard. Has to wear hearing aids. You should hear her talk.”

Rey’s heart dropped as she realized who was speaking.  _ Ben. _

“Shit, I don’t think I’ve ever heard her speak,” Hux said. “I thought she was just quiet.” 

“Wait, isn’t she in your Advanced English class, Hux?” Phasma asked. “How can she be a retard if she can get into an advanced program?”

“I think some idiot took pity on her. She lives in a foster home. She’s the perfect politically correct poster child. I bet they’d give her a scholarship to any Ivy League college if she told them she was a lesbian.”

The tears slid down her cheeks as Ben and his friends laughed. How  _ could _ he? How  _ dare _ he when what she had done was nothing even close to this?

Her cheeks burned as the sadness turned into anger. 

Fuck Ben Solo.

* * *

The school switched her locker after school. 

Rey stood there and waited as the janitor cleaned the words “GO BACK TO SPECIAL ED” off her locker before she removed her things. Finn hovered around her, pacing, but keeping close. Most of the other students were gone, but some of the sports teams and after school clubs were still around. 

A few of them gasped at the graffiti as they passed. Mostly they just stared. For once, Rey didn’t feel like hiding. She stood there, boiling in her rage, glaring back at them, daring them to say something to her so she could unleash her anger.

When she’d finally put the last of her things in her new locker, in the section where the seniors had their lockers, she finally felt him again.

_ Fuck you, Ben Solo, _ she sent out across whatever it was they shared, hoping that he’d feel her thoughts. There was no response. Perhaps it only worked in their dreams. 

“C’mon, let’s go home,” Finn mumbled, offering his hand. “You’ll feel better after a good night’s sleep.”

Rey nodded and letting the comfort of Finn’s presence soothe her anger. 

They headed through the campus towards the main entrance, Finn only letting go of her hand to open the door for them. Rey smiled at him as she passed through it, and that was when she noticed the familiar color of Hux’s hair leaning against the wall just outside the school gates. 

Her stomach turned.

_ Let’s go quickly,  _ she signed to Finn. 

Turning to where she was looking, he tensed. “You wanna go the long way?”

Rey shook her head when he turned back to look at her.  _ Let’s just go. _

Finn stayed between her and the wall as they walked, keeping close. But all his closeness couldn’t stop them from calling out.

“Hey retard!”

Not Ben’s voice. Hux’s.

Finn kept walking, but Rey stopped and turned. She could feel the anger burn in her as she saw Hux’s smug face. Behind him, Phasma and Mitaka laughed while Ben watched. He seemed satisfied.  _ Bastard.  _ She was so tired of being humiliated and dragged through the mud for no reason.

“Rey, come on,” Finn hissed in her ear. His hand tugged at her shoulder. 

“So tell me, who did you have to sleep with to get into Advanced English?”

Turning back to Hux, she shrugged Finn’s hand away and threw the first punch. 

No one had expected Rey to fight, least of all Hux. He stumbled backward from the punch to his cheek, horrified and shocked, as Phasma just barely managed to catch him. Mitaka leaped out of the way, even though no attack was coming for him.

“Rey! What the hell are you doing?” Finn yelped. 

In truth, if she’d had a moment to spare to think, Rey didn’t know. All she’d done was practice to karate YouTube videos. Just in case someone tried to mug her and she had to protect herself. The only thing propelling her along was rage and adrenaline.

Rey turned on Ben next. He had just unfolded his arms, his eyes wide in shock as he took Rey in. His guard was down and she could feel every ounce of panic in his bones as she strode over to where he was.    
  
The look on his face after she landed her first hit told Rey that he’d never expected a roundhouse kick. Then all hell broke loose.

* * *

The light was too bright and there was a ringing noise coming from somewhere. There were more noises too, but the ringing was the worst of it. 

Rey shut her eyes against the light. It only made her head hurt. 

Then someone blocked it. When she peeked, Rey didn’t recognize the face. 

“H-- --e --u fee---ing,” the man above her said. 

Rey tried to bring her arm up to sign -Finn was probably nearby and her mouth tasted like metal and cotton- but it hurt too much, and she grunted in frustration. 

“Do--’t m--e,” the man said. He looked worried. “Yo-’r- -ur-.”

Her hearing aids must be off. Or maybe she took them out. Why did she do that? Why did she hurt so much?

The man held up an ophthalmoscope and reached for her eyes, bringing Rey the sudden clarity she was missing. Bringing her trembling hands up slowly, she reached for her ears and tried to let the paramedic know she couldn’t hear him well. He raised his eyebrows, then said something, then nodded his understanding.

One of her hearing aids was missing when her hands reached her ears.  _ Fuck, _ that was not good. She sighed, feeling overwhelmed by the pain, the lights -just the entire day- and let the man administer to her wounds.

The tears didn’t come because her whole body ached, but because she didn’t know if what she had done was right. Had it been right to fight their bullying with her fists? Maybe she should have tried other ways, less destructive ways.

Rey realized, for the first time, that she might be in a world of trouble now. Child Services would probably show up to question everyone involved, threatening to take her away from Maz and Finn and the only good home she’d had.

So Rey let herself cry.

* * *

“Good morning, my little trouble maker,” Maz said as she strode into the hospital room, hanging onto the hands of two of the younger kids, followed by Finn and their other two foster siblings. The little ones’ mouths dropped when they saw her face. Rey hadn’t seen herself since using the bathroom the previous night, but it was pretty grim.

Rey tried to smile. It hurt. A lot of things were hurting after the fight. Her arms, her hands, her mouth, and most of the muscles in her body.

“How are you feeling?” Finn croaked, looking a bit worse for the wear with his split lip and black eye.

_ Awful, _ Rey signed.  _ Hurts. _

_ Scared,  _ she didn’t say. 

Maz cackled. “I bet it does, after the can of whoop-ass you opened on those bullies.”

Rey tried to smile again. Last night Maz had been by her side the whole time, reassuring her that what she’d done had been right (even if the school disagreed), and that she would stand by Rey’s actions no matter what happened. They were already making plans to transfer her and Finn to another school, Maz detailing the best options she knew of in the county.

“Well, let’s get you ready to go home. Child Services might have demanded they keep you overnight, but there is no good reason for you to be here much longer.”

The two youngest had just settled into Rey’s bed to read a story to her, when there was a knock at the door. 

“Come on in,” Maz said without looking up. Rey saw Finn tense before she looked over to see who was there.

Rey had never seen someone who had looked so elegant in person before. Her long gray hair was swept into a neat chignon bun, her clothes perfectly pressed and tailored to fit her. Her makeup was subtle, but present. The woman looked like she was ready for a photo shoot or a press conference. Then Ben Solo stepped up beside her, his eye blackened and one of his cheeks red from a cut, and Rey’s smile dropped.

“Hello, my name is Leia Organa. I’m Ben’s mother,” she said with a soft, sympathetic smile.

Maz was in front of her in a second, placing herself between Rey’s bed and offering her hand. “Maz Kanata, I’m Rey and Finn’s foster mother. Would you like to speak outside?”

Rey’s eyes darted between the two women and Ben, who seemed to be ready to sink into the wall and disappear at any moment. Her stomach turned, making her wish that she could scramble to the bathroom and vomit. 

Leia took Maz’s hand and shook it, placing her other on top. “We’re actually here to speak to Rey and Finn, mostly. Ben is here to apologize to them.” 

As everyone’s eyes turned to Ben, he shifted in discomfort. Rey had no doubt that he would run if not for his mother’s presence, she could feel how he wanted to. He opened his mouth as if to protest, but closed it and looked to the floor instead, mumbling something. 

“Ben, I don’t care who threw the first punch. You and your idiot friends have been tormenting this girl for over a month now. She deserves an apology. And so does her brother for trying to stop the fight and protect her from the four of you.” 

He lifted his eyes to glare at his mother, tears starting to form in them. “Go on, Ben. We’re not leaving until you do.”

He swallowed, adam’s apple bobbing tensely on his throat before he turned his gaze onto Finn and then Rey. As always, his stare was intense. It made her feel things that didn’t feel right. She always wished they felt right though   


“I’m sorry. I only punched you because you were hitting me,” he said hoarsely. “I didn’t mean to hurt you guys.”

Leia relaxed and smiled. “See? That wasn’t so hard.” 

Ben gave her another glare and ran out of the room. Rey saw Finn sigh just as her own breath left her, along with all the tension she was holding in.

“Now, is there any way I can help cover the costs of the medical expenses? Ben will be getting a job to pay me back. Hopefully it’s good for him.” Leia asked Maz with a sympathetic smile. Rey saw her foster mother’s shoulders soften. 

Was this really the mother Ben despised? The more Rey listened to the conversation in front of her, the less she understood. She seemed like the kind of mother who cared, not the kind of mother who smacked him in the face.

Something, it wasn’t Ben’s voice persay, but something Ben-like told her that Leia had. Another suggested that he had deserved it. And Rey’s punches too. Was it his thoughts? Her own intuition? She couldn’t tell the difference right now.

But it didn’t matter any more. Maz was pulling both her and Finn out of school, and enrolling them some place more tolerant of students with disabilities. Ben Solo was in her past now.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New moodboard by me, but special credit goes to the person who made the first moodboard. Not only did I borrow a photo she took, but she also attempted to make the second moodboard, but due to reasons (okay, mostly me being picky) it didn't work out. ILU BABE!!!

****

**10 years later**

Kylo Ren was going to die. This was inevitable, like it was inevitable for all humans, but he had decided upon just after August 5th, about three months from now.

He had toyed with the idea of suicide before, even made a few half-hearted attempts now hidden in tattoos, but this time he knew it would happen. There was no saving the burning wreckage that had become his life, or rather, he no longer had the energy to try and save it. The rest of his days were to be spent wrapping his life up as neatly as he could in the time he had left.

After making himself look presentable enough in a clean shirt and some jeans that probably should be washed soon, Kylo shoved some toast and coffee into his mouth and drove from his bare-walled apartment to the sad, dilapidated stripmall that housed the tattoo shop he now owned - Ren’s. 

The shop wasn’t meant to be his, just like a lot of things in his life.

With a heavy sigh, he unlocked the door, flipped on the open sign, and started cleaning the shop. There wasn’t any reason to do so. There weren’t any appointments scheduled for today, but Kylo needed something to distract himself during the hours the shop was open and a clean shop would look better in case a person walked in. Not that any of them got a tattoo in the end.

After cleaning, it was time to sell the equipment that his former shop mates left behind, and that he hadn’t destroyed before realizing he needed to make the next month’s rent. Ren’s equipment was the hardest to get rid of. He missed his old mentor the most. Ren had taken him in and tried his best to understand the wild and temperamental young adult that Kylo had become and turn him into a true artist. Kylo had even changed his name to recognize him.

At Ren’s, Kylo had thought he found friends among the fellow Knights -as they called themselves- and some small success as a tattoo artist, but it all shattered once Ren got cancer and had to give up the shop. To Kylo.

Kylo knew he didn’t deserve it, but he wanted to honor the old man’s wishes, to make his legacy live on through the shop, alongside the other Knights. For awhile it worked, or at least Kylo thought it was working. But slowly their jealousy that Ren picked Kylo and not one of them came to the surface.  
  
Slowly they left Ren’s to start their own shop in the next town over, until finally it was just him and two others. They felt bad for him, but by then Ren’s had started to lose too many customers. When the Knights of Ren offered them half off the rent for their stations, their choice was made for them and Kylo was left alone.

Routine was the only thing keeping him together now. Wake up; pretend to have a real job; go to the gym to punch a sandbag just to help him distract himself from his own loneliness and failure; go home; drink until he passed out; and repeat it all the next day. It was a dismal life, but he was giving up on it anyway.

* * *

“Best day of my goddamn life, let me tell you. Canto Bight was _good_ to me.”

Kylo cringed at the mention of the man’s jackpot. He’d hoped the guy would stop, but of course the kind of guy who would get a tattoo to celebrate a gambling win would never shut up about it.

 _Breathe in, breathe out, don’t think about it,_ he told himself as he transferred the sketch onto the man’s arm. _You don’t have money to gamble away anymore._

After this was done he’d have another $75. But he had to buy food for the week. Then there was rent. Then there were his mounting debts. He needed this $75.

He had just switched on the machine and prepared to make first contact with the skin when he saw a movement out of the corner of his eye. 

Immediately, Kylo’s brain told him it was odd that the shop’s chime hadn’t gone off. 

_Should get that looked at…_

“Hi, welcome. Be with you soon,” he said automatically.

There was a little gasp. Just barely within his range of hearing, then a voice inside his head. 

_No...Oh no, I_ **_must_ ** _be dreaming._

A chill ran up his spine at the sudden memory of _that_ voice and Kylo immediately pulled away from the client on his chair. 

She stood before him, holding a small stack of books. Or at least some version of her that he’d never seen before. Taller. Her hair pulled back into three neat buns with the thick wire of her hearing aids above the curves of her ears, her clothes much more stylish, a tattoo peeking out of the neck of her low-cut shirt. 

His eyes darted upwards, resting momentarily on soft, pinkish lips that make him remember everything he first felt in his freshman year of high school the moment they touched. Then he willed himself to look into her eyes and see the hazel and gold that once transfixed him reflecting shock, anger, and surprise back at him. 

“Rey?”

“Who are you talking to, dude? There’s no one here,” the man in his chair informed him, pulling Ben’s attention away from the apparition before him.

 _Not happening again,_ he heard her growl, but when he looked up again, she was gone.

Kylo switched off his machine and leaned back in his chair. For a moment, everything was blissfully silent and he could hear the echoes over her thoughts in his. 

_Rey._

When was the last time he thought of her?

“What the fuck? Are you high or something?”

* * *

He couldn’t get rid of the memories. They came flooding back in like daylight in the attic of his mind. Not just bright and fresh, but painfully so. The day he ran into Rey and some kind of curtain unfurled between them. The way he could feel her when she was near, like she was a limb extending from his body. One he couldn’t control, but one he knew was there.

_Rey..._

All the times she had popped up somewhere while he was thinking too hard or not at all. It had been so easy to talk to Rey, it only felt right to seek out something more, something deeper. That’s why it’d hurt so much when she had betrayed him. The anger was still there seething beneath his skin, just a little bit.

But when he remembered the stupid shit he’d done next, defacing her locker, calling her a retard, behaving like Hux, like a bully. It’d hurt so much, not just what she’d done, but all of his life, beginning to crumble around him. It hurt just to think about about.

Oh, but no wonder she’d just disappeared. Who the fuck wanted to be around someone like him? He got it. Why she hated him.

No matter how angry he had been back then, her departure still felt like someone slowly ripping out his soul. At first, he wasn’t surprised not to see her at school, especially after the reaction he got when he showed up with a black eye. Weeks later, when his bruises had long faded, he asked Ms. Holdo if she knew what had happened to Rey and learned that she’d transferred schools.  
  
It was then he realized the extent of how carefully Rey had hidden her disability, the delicate balance in which she’d protected herself from harm. He’d helped destroy that for her.

She had every right to hate him now and forever, even if he missed her and wished they could talk again. Like they used to.

As the memories ran through his mind, Kylo felt an old listlessness overtake him. The kind that got him drunk as hell and let him wallow in his self-pity. Seeing Rey again might have given him a moment of excitement, but the darkness crept back in easily.

 _Worthless. Another person you’re a burden to,_ he told himself.

Before he left this world, he vowed to find her and apologize. It was the least he could do.

* * *

Rey Johnson was not on social media. Or rather she was, but it just wasn’t _his_ Rey Johnson. There was someone in the Midwest who’s a Rey Johnson. There was another down in the South, at an all black college - looked like they were very active in their sorority. There were a lot of Ray Johnsons. All male.  
  
But not Rey Johnson, formerly of Chandrila High School. Not that she’d put it on her profile if she never graduated from there. So he checked all the other 15,943 profiles that came up on Facebook. None of them were her.

Finn Trooper on the other hand was easy to find. Kylo would have never pegged him for an attention seeker in high school, but as an adult, Finn seemed to be loving life and loving the attention posting about his life got him. There were pictures of mouth-watering plates, his arms around friends, a pretty girl on his arm, the latest sneakers. 

_Good for Finn._

But Rey wasn’t in any of his pictures, no matter which account Kylo scrolled through. He tried to deny his disappointment and forge ahead. He checked all of Finn’s follows on all of his accounts, but no luck still. Maybe the two had grown apart since high school.  
  
 _Yeah, right,_ he thought. _Not those two._

Finn hadn’t just gone to bat for Rey during the fight, they’d both defended each other with utter viciousness towards the other’s attackers. Rey had turned and unleashed her wrath on Phasma when she’d socked Finn in the gut and brought him down momentarily. Kylo remembered the sheer rage on Finn’s face, his teeth bared in his rage as he leapt back into action when Phasma had grabbed Rey by the hair.

The fight only ended with both Rey and Finn on the ground, too injured and bloodied to move after fighting four people. Ben had to grab Hux’s shirt and pull him down to stop him from kicking the two while they were down because the police were already running toward them. 

Yeah. Finn would know exactly where Rey was.

Kylo pressed the message button on Finn’s Twitter. 

“Hi Finn, this is Ben Solo. You probably remember me from being an utter asshat in high school,” Kylo read aloud as he typed, trying to make sure he wasn’t shooting himself in the foot somehow. “I just wanna say I’m sorry about that, but more importantly, I want to get in contact with Rey so I can apologize to her too. Are you two still close? Can you help me find her?”

Satisfied he hadn’t said something stupid, he finished off the message with a ‘Thanks’ and sent it.

Five minutes later he got a response.

_Eat shit and die._

And Finn had blocked him.

“That’s the plan,” Kylo murmured to himself. 

He switched to Messenger and loaded up the old group chat that Mitaka, Phasma, and Hux still talked in sometimes. Somehow, they’d kind of remained friends, but they were really shit friends who only still talked to each other because Mitaka would wish them happy birthday every year. Hux and Phasma all but ignored them during college, Pryde had abandoned them in his senior year, and Kylo had no doubt all three would look down on him for dropping out of university AND community college.

Still, it was worth a shot. They were his only friends in high school, especially after he had gained a reputation for being a hot-headed bully. Maybe somewhere along the line, one of them had heard _something_ about Rey.

**KYLO:  
** _Anyone know what happened to Rey Johnson?_ _  
__She was in our freshman class._

 **MITAKA:** **  
**_Nah, man  
I remember that fight tho  
_ _Crazy shit_

It wasn’t until a few hours later that Hux graced them with a response.  
  
 **HUX:**  
 _That retard we beat up?  
_ _Pretty sure I heard she’s locked up in an asylum where she belongs._

It was so casually cruel that Kylo could barely stop himself from smashing his phone against a wall. Before long he had typed a million angry words, but never pressed send. Phasma beat him to it.

**PHAZ:**   
_Glad to see you bags of dicks haven’t grown up_

**PHAZ has left the chat**

He stared at the message for a long time in shock and admiration. Well, it wasn’t hard to admire Phasma. Whenever she had a goal in mind, she fought for it with such determination that she outshone everyone else.

They’d kissed once their junior year at her insistence. She wanted to see what it was like. Turned out she was thoroughly disgusted and decided right then and there that her suspicions that she was gay were true, leaving Ben to sort his own feelings out alone.

He had been excited, but it was easy to get excited about girls back then. What nagged him was the feeling, as their lips met, that this was all wrong. That it should have been Rey. That he was betraying her somehow. 

But Rey wasn’t there. She had never come back. He had spent a half hour in a bathroom stall, crying and trying to push the thought of her out of his mind.

The soft vibration of a new message brought him back to the present and the angry tears lining his face now.

**HUX:  
** _Jesus, what a cunt._

**KYLO has left the chat**

He immediately opened up a new message to Phasma and started typing. 

**KYLO:  
** _Hey, just wanted to let you know_ _  
__I only asked about Rey because..._ _  
__I want to apologize for all that shit in high school._ _  
__She didn’t deserve it_ _  
  
_

**PHAZ:**  
 _Well. Glad to see you’re not like that anymore.  
_ _Good luck.  
I’ll let you know if I hear anything about her  
but I don’t really talk to anyone from high school anymore. _

**KYLO:  
** _I understand_ _  
__Thanks Phaz_

* * *

All this thinking about the past had Kylo replaying his past mistakes in his head as he pretended to work. There were so many, it was too simple to slip down that particular path of resentment.

He’d done okay in high school. It was easy enough to pass classes, though his parents were always on him to do better, when they were around to give a shit. It was easy to fall into the reputation of the bad kid after the fight, even though he usually just got caught in Hux’s bullshit. At least then he could rage and yell and people would pay attention. It protected him from anyone daring to say anything about his big ears, how he was too tall, too skinny, too socially awkward. It didn’t matter if his parents stopped trusting him. They weren’t around enough to make him stop.

At least they were supportive when he got into some half-baked party college, and then when he proceeded to flunk out by the end of his first year. That was fine. Community college might have been more his speed, they said. But he’d flunked out of that too -kind of on purpose- and his dad sat him down and told him he was on his own from then on out.  
  
“You’ve gotta make your way without us now, kid. Figure things out for yourself,” Han had told him. 

It had been one of the last heart-to-heart conversations they’d had. Just a year later, Han had a heart attack and collapsed on the street right in front of Kylo.

Dads weren’t supposed to die when their kids were only twenty-one. They just weren’t. They were supposed to watch them get married, play catch with the grandkids, and watch sports games with a beer in hand.

And Kylo knew all this was true, and that it wasn’t true. There were probably dads who died when their kids were much younger, or the same age. It didn’t stop the hole from opening up in his heart as he held his dying father on the sidewalk. It didn’t stop him from falling into that inescapable pit and watching the beauty of the world leave him forever.

Instead of grieving together, Leia threw herself even harder into her work after the funeral. Kylo knew it was just her own way of coping with the unending sadness, but…

_Mom..._

It hurt how she still ignored him. How she disapproved of his career as a tattoo artist. He’d just wanted his mother. He’d just wanted _someone_ to hold him, to tell him it was okay to cry, to whisper comforting words to him.

There was a noise in the shop, familiar and long-forgotten. The squeak of a marker cap being pulled off.

His head whipped up. 

There she was before him, somehow. Her lips were pursed as she concentrated on something she was writing. From her stance, it looked to be a white board. 

_Rey…_

The marker squealed down the wall as she gasped and turned her head slowly. There was so much pain in her eyes. Kylo felt his heart start to hurt.

Just as quickly, her head turned away from him and she capped the marker.

_No, no, no, no._

“Rey?”

Her shoulders were shaking as her back turned on him. _Go away, go away, go away, make it go away._

Air stung at Kylo’s chest as he breathed in. It shouldn’t be a surprise that she didn’t want to see him. It shouldn’t hurt.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “I’m so sorry.”

* * *

Kylo wanted to punish himself, even after ruining his knuckles on the sandbag at the gym, which meant it was probably a bad idea to stay home tonight. He had to make it to August 5th.

Outside worked for him. Despite the heat of the day, the summer nights felt bitterly cold as soon as night fell and the fog rolled in. The slight wind ripped right through his light jacket as he walked and walked and walked until he didn’t really recognize where he was. It was farther than he’d ever remembered walking, in a direction he didn’t really go. He was probably in another city by now, but there wasn’t a sign, so he hadn’t noticed. 

There was a river. He vaguely recognized that it was the same one that ran through his part of town. He’d driven past it before, but never walked by it. Not since he was a child.

It had long ago carved a deep valley through the rock. The park he walked through ran along one of its shores, and bridges crisscrossed the divide, connecting it to the other side. There were trees bursting green leaves everywhere, filled with birds and living things in the daytime, no doubt. But at night, the only thing that stirred was the wind against the leaves and his steps.

Or so Kylo thought until he lifted his head and saw her perhaps a thousand feet ahead.

_Rey._

He knew it was her, but not whether it was a dream. She’d appeared to him so many times like she was with him in the same room, in the same place as him, it was hard to tell what was real now. He just knew it was her.

She was sitting on a bench, staring out into the ravine, or maybe to the trees across the way. Despite the evening cold, she was wearing a light blue colored dress and nothing more. On one of her shoulder blades there was a sunflower tattooed in what he instantly recognized as a watercolor style.

The breeze lifted her hair away from her shoulders and Kylo realized he could feel it like it was happening to his own body. It gave him the courage to get closer to her, even if he wondered whether or not that was wise. 

His pace slowed the closer he got, maybe it’d be easier to talk if he approached her calmly, without startling her too badly. He began coming around, walking so he was just within her field of vision, so that she’d know there was someone entering her line of sight.

Just as he expected, her head turned when he was about ten feet away, her eyes growing wide instantly as he quickly bridged the space between them.

“Rey?” he said as he came to a stop, not quite in front of her. 

Her grip on the edge of the bench tightened and he could see fear in her eyes, he could feel it blaring alarm bells all around him. He wondered why she seemed so scared, but his curiosity took over.

Kylo gulped. “Are you really here or is this just another dream?”

Without thinking, he reached out a hand and a finger grazed her warm cheek.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Are you really here or is this just another dream?”
> 
> Without thinking, Kylo reached out a hand and a finger grazed Rey’s warm cheek. Both of them flinched at the contact.

****

“Are you really here or is this just another dream?”

Without thinking, Kylo reached out a hand and a finger grazed Rey’s warm cheek. Both of them flinched at the contact.

_ She’s here. She’s real.  _

He pulled back his hand immediately, stepping away from the bench slightly. “Shit, I’m sorry. I just-”

Rey was already up on her feet. She didn’t look directly at him, but the rage on her face was clear, her fists clenched and unclenched at her sides.   


“Rey, I’m so, so sorry. I really thought it was one of those visions again!”

For a second, she lifted her head to glare at him, but in the next moment, she turned away from him and began to walk away quickly. Kylo gulped, feeling uneasy about the whole situation, but not wanting to give up this chance.

_ It’s not about getting her forgiveness, _ he reminded himself as he watched her retreat.  _ All you need to do is tell her you’re sorry. She needs to know you’re sorry. _

“Rey, wait!”

She didn’t wait for him, she didn’t stop or show any sign of having heard him. He sprang into action, his long legs bringing him up beside her in no time at all. “Please, I don’t want to bother you, but I have something I need to say to you.”

Rey’s head whipped toward him, anger knitting her brow together, and for a moment Kylo was legitimately scared that Rey Johnson might actually lay the smackdown on him. Again. He definitely believed she could. The look on her face was murderous.

_ Please listen, _ he thought.

_ Go away, _ she signed. Then, she was off. He blinked for a moment, coming to a halt as he watched her dash through the trees ahead. 

“Fuck,” he muttered to himself as he began to run after her. 

It was a stupid choice. He knew that it would be far easier to just find a way to send her a message, but how could he pass up this chance? Even if he had already fucked it up this badly, he had to try. 

“Rey! Please wait! I just want to talk!”

She flinched and looked over her shoulder at him, and made a hard turn. The distance closed between them and Kylo found himself making the same turn, but instead of catching up he ran straight into a branch.

The wood knocked the air out of his gut and began to snap as his speed caught up with him. At first, he just stumbled, but then the branch tore away from the tree and sent him falling. He landed hard on his side with a grunt but managed to get an arm out to prevent him from hitting his head on the concrete.

“Fuck,” he groaned. 

For a moment, Kylo just laid there, in too much shock and pain to carry on. But, when he remembered the immediacy of his task, he propped himself to see where she’d gone.

There was no one in the clearing with him, just the sound of retreating footsteps, and at that moment he realized she was running from him in terror. Running because a six foot, two-inch man that had bullied and beat her up ten years ago was stupid enough to chase after her, thinking he had any right to talk to her.

_ Even more to apologize for now,  _ Kylo thought as he rolled over and pushed himself up, self-loathing flooding his veins clear of adrenaline.  _ Fuck. _

It wasn’t hard to see how it all looked. Kylo had run into her on accident, but now he looked like a creepy stalker. He limped home, hating himself even more now until he couldn’t take the pain anymore and ordered an Uber.

* * *

Daylight felt so foreign after whatever spell had been cast over him last night. It felt wrong to be out in the bright summer sun, and Kylo was grateful when he could duck into the dank, cool air of the shop. He kept as few lights on as possible.

The events of the previous night didn’t seem real. Out of all the people in the world, how did he happen to find Rey? When did she come back? Kylo’s heart hurt as wondered if she’d always been around, and he’d just barely missed running into her constantly for years. So how and why had they found each other again now?

What hurt more was how much he missed her already. That same horrible feeling he’d always felt when their connection was pulled apart. In his heart, Kylo yearned for Rey while his head told him how much he didn’t deserve any more.

Everything had happened so quickly last night, that he hadn’t had the time to just feel her presence, but he could almost taste it like salt on his lips after a tequila shot. They’d been together, for a moment, and despite the tension, something within him was left pleased, but  _ craving _ more.

God, he didn’t deserve more. But Kylo already knew he was despicable like that. Always had been. Always craving and chasing after the wrong things. Attention, drugs, alcohol. The world was going to be so much better off without a mess like him. He just had to hold on until August. 

That was how he wound up back at the park again after work, with a cap and sunglasses on to hopefully hide his face. If he could just  _ be _ around Rey. He didn’t have to talk to her, or be that close by, just to be in her orbit would be fine.

_ Great, now you’re turning into a stalker, _ he thought. But it was either the park or the gym or home, and his body was still too sore and bruised for working out. He wasn’t sure he’d make it to August if he went home. 

He parked himself on the bench where he’d seen her the previous night and waited until he was too cold and hungry to stay. The next day he walked down that side of the river; the day after that, he walked the opposite side. One day he just crisscrossed the bridges, just because he hadn’t really done it. Every day, he’d spend some time sitting at the same bench where she had been, hoping she’d return. It was just as sad as the rest of his life.

Kylo groaned and leaned forward, his head in his hands. Of course Rey wouldn’t come back to the park after he’d scared the shit out of her. Still, he was here, hoping and praying for just another moment with her - another chance to try and say he was sorry.

Leaning back into the cold stone, he threw his arms out wide, just to stretch them and ease the tension in his shoulders. But instead of hitting the stone, they smacked into a person.

"Ow!"

Kylo opened his eyes to see Rey’s left shoulder under the back of his hand, her eyes wide in shock.

“When did you-?”

No, there was no way she could be at the park. She was barefoot, wrapped up in a light blanket, in shorts and a tank top. He even recognized the pose.   
  
“You’re on your porch, aren’t you?” he said as he moved his hand back to his lap where it curled onto his other hand. His leg started bouncing out of nervousness.

Rey bit her lip and looked down as she tightened the blanket around her.

_ Go away. _

“Don’t worry. I still don’t know where you live,” he sighed.

_ GO AWAY, _ she repeated.

_That’s not how this thing works…_ Kylo murmured. _I think._   
  
“I’m sorry about the other night. About chasing you,” he added aloud.

Her head jerked as if she had almost turned to look at him, but stopped herself, the three buns on her head bobbing with the movement. Kylo hoped that was a sign he could continue. That, despite her trepidation, at least she’d at least listen to him.

“The other night - I chased you because I wanted to tell you something,” he said softly. “And I realize you probably don’t give a shit about what I have to say, but I have to say it. You deserve to know it.”

His eyes couldn’t leave her, not this time, not when this was possibly the last time he’d ever see her. Her hands clenched harder around the fabric, and Kylo prayed that what he said next would at least give her some kind of comfort.   
  
“I’m sorry, Rey,” he started. “For everything that happened in high school, everything I did. I hurt you. I-” His throat had closed suddenly from tears and emotions that he hadn’t realized were springing up. “I-I wish I could take it  _ all _ back.”

Rey’s head raised slowly, the tension radiating off of her as if she was waiting for him to tell her it was a joke, that she shouldn’t believe a word he said. That she wanted to believe a word he said -that there was any hope coming from her at all- was a small miracle. It pushed him forward.

“I wanted to say that I was sorry back then, but you never came back to school, and…”    


Their eyes met again, they were both crying now. Kylo started to chuckle softly at the ridiculousness of it all. “I just wanted you to know. That’s why I was chasing after you at the park.”   
  
Rey nodded with a wet sniffle and brought her hands up to sign something, something he could feel was going to be accepting and reassuring, but Kylo felt the darkness returning in the back of his mind.   
  
“I-I-I don’t really need forgiveness or anything like that. I know I don’t deserve it.”    
  
He didn’t know why her face dropped at that. She seemed a little disappointed. He just smiled, happy that one more thing was done in time. “I hope you have a wonderful life, Rey. I really do.”

Across the bench, Rey frowned and her hands came up again to sign.  _ Why are you saying it like that? Are you okay? _

Kylo shook his head. “No reason. I just want that for you.”

_ Where are you? _ She asked, leaning toward him, almost reaching for him. It made Kylo want to run.  _ I’m worried. _

“The park,” he said, standing up and stretching. “But I think I’ll be going home now. It’s getting late.”

_ Ben, wait! _

He looked over to see what she wanted to say, but she was already gone.

* * *

The next day felt a bit lighter. He could enjoy the birds singing, the green of the trees along the drive to work, and the warmth of the sun. Kylo hadn’t realized how much those few short weeks in high school had weighed on him for over ten years, setting the stage for the rest of his missteps in life, one tumbling after the other. His only regret now was not being able to apologize for his stupidity sooner. Maybe it would have changed things.   
  
Even the slowness of the shop seemed to bother him less. He decided to work on some ideas for flash, maybe drum up some business so money wouldn’t be so tight between now and August. It’d be nice to have one good meal before he left instead of just cheap whiskey and sandwiches every day.

After posting the art to his long-forgotten Instagram and checking that the plug-in updated on the shop’s website, he sat back down and began to sketch again. This time, it was a figure, a woman standing, her hair being lifted by the wind.

It was Rey. Something in the back of his mind told him that maybe it was a little creepy to draw her, but it had been awhile since he’d felt so inspired. Somehow the rest of the day passed him by quickly. Kylo decided to take his sketchbook home and maybe add some water colors to make her come alive a bit more on the paper.

* * *

He spent all night and the next day working on that illustration, then another. It was nice to have something else to do at work other than clean. Kylo barely checked the online auctions all day.

But by closing time, his body was extraordinarily stiff and he felt himself missing being outside, so he decided to drive over to the park. Maybe he’d walk for a good, long while and do a landscape sketch if he found a pretty view before it got dark.

Pulling into the dirt parking lot, Kylo just felt content. It was going to be a good night, he could just tell. There were lots of joggers and dog walkers, and a few dogs even pulled their owners over to say hi to him. He buried his face in one golden retriever's fluff and wondered when the last time he had felt so  _ good _ .

It wasn’t long before the bench came into view. He wasn’t surprised to find someone sitting in it, what with how busy it was, but as he got closer he realized he could feel Rey. She wasn’t just near, she was there - waiting for him.

Gulping down the sudden spike of anxiety in his gut, Kylo changed course and walked in front of the bench. She turned her head just as he got within her earshot.

There was something about the way she erupted into tears at the sight of him that shocked him to his very core. She was crying, but the look on her face was one of relief.

“Hi?” he waved as he stepped up to the bench.   
  
“Hi,” she answered back, her throat wet with emotion. Was she happy to see him?

“Can I join you?” Kylo asked carefully. It was a little hard to believe she was here for him, but something deep within kept telling him that she was.

Rey nodded, wiping her eyes messily with her fingers. Kylo sat, making sure there was a good amount of space between them. It would be bad to crowd her, to make her feel uncomfortable again. That was the last thing he wanted.

For a moment, they just sat there. Kylo staring out at the ravine while Rey composed herself, a soft sniffle punctuating the silence between them until she sighed heavily - the kind of sigh that only came after crying.   
  
“You okay?” Kylo looked at her then, hoping her face would give him some answer as to why she was here, why she was crying at the sight of him. Well- he could guess one reason why she might cry, but it felt like the wrong answer. 

Rey just nodded and sniffed some more while she wiped her nose with a tissue, a hand coming up to sign.  _ I was worried about you. You didn’t come to the park yesterday. _

His mouth flopped open in shock. Had Rey- No, no, no that didn’t make sense. Had she really?

“You came to the park yesterday looking for  _ me? _ ”

Rey met his eyes and nodded. “I was wohr-reid.” Kylo saw her cringe as she was speaking. 

_ That you’d hurt yourself,  _ she signed.

“Oh,” he said. “No, I was just... emotional, I guess. Seeing you again made me realize how much I wanted to apologize. Since I never really did back then.”

Rey’s lips twitched upward and she tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. She seemed pleased. The guilt stung at Kylo. Of all the people in all the world, he didn’t want to lie to Rey, but how could he tell her the truth? The last thing he wanted was to burden her with his bullshit even more than he already had.

“Sorry to worry you,” he added quickly. “I feel like such an asshole.”

She gave him a cautious smile and looked back out to the ravine, her cheeks still a little flushed from crying. 

_ Do you ever wonder what this is? This… connection? _

“I hadn’t,” he answered, grateful to be telling the truth again. “Not for a long time. Not since high school. But seeing you brought it all back.”

_ It was the same for me. I had almost forgotten about it.  _ She turned back to look at Kylo dead on, her growing determination clear in her eyes.  _ Now I want to know exactly what it is, and why the two of us are connected. _

* * *

They had made plans to meet again at the park, leaving Kylo looking forward to something for the first time in a long time. 

It was strange. The shop was the same old shop, his daily tasks just as boring, but he could get through them without feeling like time dragged on immeasurably. Nothing happened all day. No one walked in, no one called, no appointments, but he wasn’t bored. Whenever he had a spare moment, he was immersed in his sketchbook.

Every single new piece was of Rey. A profile of her looking downward, a full body of her in a gauzy dress. Kylo tried to get her smile, the way her eyes crinkled as her dimples appeared. 

Guilt crept over him, but not enough to make him stop. He wanted to imprint every last detail he could remember onto paper forever. He wished he could draw the way her skin looked in the moonlight, or the exact way her hair moved. There was no way to do her justice in just a drawing. Maybe he should have taken up photography. Carried a camera around his neck like a fucking hipster.

_ Photography? What do you want to take pictures of? _

Kylo cursed, his pencil clattering to the floor as he rushed to shut his sketchbook. His head whirled to see Rey staring at him with a bemused look, her arm poised to write something on a wall, a marker in one hand, and an open book in the other.

_ Sorry, it surprised me too, _ she said before turning back to look at whatever she was writing.  _ I’m at work, so I can’t really talk anyway. _

“Oh, me too.” Kylo looked around at his deserted shop and sighed. “But it’s been slow.”

_ Wish I could say the same,  _ she said as she continued to write.  _ There’s never a dull moment in the classroom. _

“Wow, you’re a teacher? That’s amazing.”

At that Rey’s head dipped down to look at her book. Kylo thought he saw her lips twitch upwards, but when she raised her head there was no trace of a smile and she just continued on, eventually turning back to her class to address them. 

The connection didn’t close, and Kylo found himself just watching her. She was dressed in dark jeans with simple tan flats on her feet. Her white, collared top and rust-colored cardigan covered up the tattoos he’d seen on her last time. Part of them wished he could ask to see them.

No, it wasn’t his place. That Rey had ever wanted to see him again was a miracle in and of itself, Kylo didn’t want to test his luck like that. Not when he got to enjoy her presence, not when they just might become friends. Like in high school.

He tried to think about the connection more as he watched her teach. He remembered thinking they were hallucinations once. Pryde had just introduced them to weed, and he’d been smoking so damn much. The first of many new addictions to try.

But now he was far more sober, and hallucinations didn’t feel warm when you touched them. Because you couldn’t touch them. They weren’t real.    
  
But Rey was very, very real and she was definitely teaching some sort of basic science class with the kind of enthusiasm he wished his teachers had back in grade school. Rey was so easy to understand that he could follow her lecture, even though he hadn’t been in school for years. She shone with passion, and Kylo couldn’t help but pick up his sketchbook again and draw her.

He hadn’t drawn a live subject since college. Usually they were naked and still, and Kylo had always found them boring. Rey was far more interesting to draw as he tried to capture her movement, even just a fraction of a second of it. It was a good challenge for his skills. 

Rey gave him a questioning glance once, but otherwise did her best to ignore him. Kylo did his best not to intrude on her class, staring at her only when her focus was elsewhere, imprinting as much of her form to memory, then turning back to the page whenever she looked his way.

“Bye kuhlass, see you too-morrow,” he heard Rey say loudly. “Don’ forhget your homework.”

When he looked up, she was smiling and waving at people he couldn’t see. Murmuring a few things to them as they most likely left her classroom. Kylo found himself wondering what grade she taught, and what her students thought of her. Had she won them over as quickly as she’d made her way back into his heart?

_ What are you thinking about? _

Rey’s voice in his mind snapped Kylo out of his thoughts again. He quickly snapped his sketchbook shut again as she approached and leaned on a table across from him. He wondered if there was one in her classroom in the exact same spot. Like how he had been sitting on his roof one night while she was on her porch.

“Uh, you, I guess,” he said, starting to feel his nerves creep in. “This whole thing. What it is. Why us? Why now after so long? Especially when you didn’t even want to see me.”

Rey nodded with understanding, but not conviction. _ I almost forgot about it. It doesn’t really seem real, does it? _

“Yeah,” Kylo replied. “I almost forgot about it too.” 

That he let himself forget her at all felt like a crime. He’d just been running away from himself and all the shit decisions he’d made. At the time it’d been the sensible thing to do. Thinking about Rey only hurt more. Now that he’d been able to apologize to her, it was far easier to piece together what he knew.

But when he looked up again, she was gone.

* * *

“The connection closes at the weirdest moments, don’t you think?”

Rey smiled at him helplessly from the bench, following Kylo’s movements as he sat down next to her. 

_ It’s not very convenient is it? _ She signed to him.

“Could be worse, I guess,” he said with a smirk. “Learning how to understand sign language without even really trying isn’t so bad.”

That made Rey burst out into incredulous laughter, and Kylo felt the grin grow wider on his face. He could make her laugh, really genuinely laugh. It was hard not to let his heart soar at that fact. Not that he should keep trying, not when he could still hurt her. But maybe if he could help Rey find the understanding she craved. It was the only way he could begin to make up for what he’d done.

_ I wonder what triggers it. I haven’t been able to figure that out yet,  _ she told him after she’d suppressed her laughter.

All Kylo could do was shrug. “I thought it happened when we were alone, but today it happened when you were in a classroom full of kids.”

_ You’re right, _ Rey signed, twisting her mouth into a frown as she contemplated this new information. A silence settled between them

“You seem like a good teacher,” he offered. “I’d take your class.”

At that, Rey stilled and her frown grew. “Oh.”

“Oh?”    
  
It was becoming obvious to him that Rey only spoke aloud when absolutely necessary. She seemed to prefer signing and relying on what the connection allowed. But he’d heard her speak throughout her class earlier, and she seemed to be able to communicate well enough on her own that her shyness seemed strange. 

_ I had a meeting today about things we could do to help the kids do better in science. No one liked my suggestions, very much and I-  _ Her hands fell down a bit, pausing their otherwise rapid movements to rest on her knees. She curled them up into little balls and sighed. Then they rose again, and Kylo’s eyes followed them.  _ I felt so alone afterward. I thought what I came up with was good. _

“I bet it was,” he said immediately. Rey raised an eyebrow at him, and he felt flushed. “I mean, I listened to your lecture for a good part of an hour, and I was interested in it! Do you know how long it’s been since I gave a shit about what a teacher said?”

She chuckled at that. “Thahnks.” 

Kylo smiled. He couldn’t help, but smile around Rey. She made it too easy. “Guess we know now what triggers it. When we both feel alone, it happens.”

Rey nodded.  _ Mystery one out of… God knows how many. _

“ _ Rey? _ ”

Kylo turned to see who the voice behind them belonged to, and there was Finn looking for all the world like one of his instagram posts. He felt himself frown at the same moment Finn did.

“Is that-  _ Ben Solo? _ ”

Rey stood quickly, panic in her eyes. “It’s oh-kay! Weh’re jus-t t-tahlking!”

“Are you okay, Rey? Is he bothering you?” Finn said, looking worriedly at his sister, then glaring at Kylo.

“No, Finh, it’s  _ fine,”  _ Rey insisted, but Finn just narrowed his eyes even more.

Kylo raised his hands up, in a gesture of innocence. “Look, I know you’re mad at me, but I’ve apologized to Rey for everything that happened in high school. That’s why I messaged you before-”

Finn wrapped a protective arm around Rey. “That doesn’t make it any fucking better, Solo! Leave Rey  _ alone _ already!” 

“Finh!” Rey said, shoving him away. Her hands came up to sign, tearing Finn’s attention away from Kylo.  _ We were just talking! It’s fine! You don’t have to protect me from him! _

Finn’s hands came up to sign back at her, moving just as swiftly as Rey’s. But Kylo couldn’t grasp what he was saying.

_ I can handle myself, okay?? And he’s not bothering me at all! _ Kylo saw Rey say, her hands punctuating her last point emphatically. 

Finn signed again, shooting a glare back at Kylo. He still didn’t catch what Finn was signing. 

“Huh. I don’t understand a word he’s saying,” Kylo mumbled.

Both Finn and Rey froze and looked at Kylo with surprise. He shrugged in response. “Guess it only works with you, Rey.” 

“Sorry,  _ what? _ ” Finn hissed.

_ He can understand when I sign. But he doesn’t know ASL,  _ Rey told him, her hands much less frantic than before.  _ There’s something weird the two of us share. A connection. We were trying to figure it out when you walked by. _

“A  _ what _ now?” 

Rey turned to Ben.  _ Help? _

“Yeah, sure, I can help. What should we do?”

_ I’m not sure. I mean how do we prove you can understand me?  _ She signed with an exasperated sigh. _ We can’t let him into our minds, or show him how we get connected. _

Kylo blew out a sigh too. “Uh, shit I don’t know.”

“How the fuck are you doing that?” Finn interjected. “You can understand her?”

Kylo just shrugged. “I can, but I don’t know how.”

Finn stood there a minute, looking between Rey and Kylo, deeply concerned, but clearly not coming to any sort of new understanding. Cautiously, he raised his hands and began to sign something emphatically.

“ _ Finh! _ ” Rey gasped, her mouth open in shock. Kylo could only guess how awful the insult was.

“He’s faking it, Rey,” Finn said. “Let’s go.” 

_ Go where? _ She signed angrily. She looked about ready to scream if Finn didn’t back off. Kylo wasn’t sure he wanted to see what Rey would do when she got angry. If it was anything like high school...

“Maz needs us to pick up the kids from after school care. She couldn’t get out of bed after lunch.”

With that Rey’s anger faded quickly, her shoulders sagging and her eyes growing sadder. Finn gave her a sad smile and took her hand in his. Kylo wanted to be jealous, but when he saw the look they gave each other, his heart sank instead.

It wasn’t a solid memory, but he could recall the tiny, wizened woman with Rey, Finn, and a gaggle of other small children at the hospital. Was Maz her foster mother? Yes, that seemed right because he could feel Rey’s heart breaking in her chest over it. That kind pain he was far too familiar with.

“Rey, I’ll see you next time.”

She looked up at him, eyes full of the beginnings of tears. Kylo wished he could reach out and wrap her in a comforting embrace, but that… That would be a step too far. They weren’t really friends, just two people trying to figure out this weird thing between them. And besides, Finn would probably deck him.

Rey nodded and turned back to Finn, who whisked her away, but not before sending another glare Kylo’s way.

_ Next time… _

When would that be?


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another shout out to my sensitivity reader, who's been absolutely amazing on this and pointed me in the right direction more than a few times. I've been learning so much about hearing disabilities!

****

**TWO DAYS LATER**

The chime dinged above the shop, and Kylo realized it was working after all. 

_That’s because Rey wasn’t actually here, dumbass. She couldn’t have set it off._

“Hey, welcome to Ren’s Tattoo! Be right there!”

“If you keep me waiting, Solo, I’m just going to walk out. I don’t have time for your shit,” the person barked back.

He recognized that voice.

Kylo tugged his pants up and kicked open the bathroom door. “I can wash my hands first, or not. Your choice, Finn!”

“Fucking gross,” Finn muttered, his nose scrunched up in disgust from across the shop.

“That’s what I thought,” Kylo said as he turned and flushed the toilet, then opened the tap. “What do you want?”

Finn sighed heavily. “Rey asked me to give you something.” 

His hands cleaned thoroughly enough, Kylo wiped them on his jeans and strode across the shop. “She did?”

Finn held up an envelope in his hand. White with yellow and orange flowers along the edges. _Pretty._ _Just like her,_ he thought as he extended his hand.

Finn tsked and pulled it back. “You don’t deserve whatever’s in this. You know that, right?”

With a sigh, Kylo ran a hand through his hair. There was no sense in lying to Finn. Not when all the other man wanted was to protect Rey, to care for her like she deserved to be cared for. “Yeah, I do.”

But honesty wasn’t what Finn was expecting. His eyebrows raised and he gave Kylo another careful onceover, as if he hadn’t been staring him down since the moment Kylo came out of the bathroom.

“Good,” Finn finally answered. He put the envelope down on the counter between them. “You try anything on her, I’ll fucking run you out of town.”

Kylo could help but chuckle as he reached for it. “That won’t be a problem. The only reason why we’re even talking is because she wants to figure whatever the thing is between us.”

Finn’s lips tightened and his frown deepened. “I won’t even pretend to understand what’s going on there, but if Rey says it exists.”

Nodding, Kylo watched Finn turn to leave, and the gears in his brain began to turn.

“Hey, Finn?”

“ _What?_ ” The other man asked, in such a clipped tone that Kylo thought he might hurl something at him.

“I know, it’s been a long time, but I really want to say sorry for everything that I put you through back in high school. I know it was all between me and Rey, but I was an asshole to you too.”

Blinking back shock, Finn stopped at the door. His head twisted over his shoulder to look back at Kylo, utterly lost for words.

“It’s okay,” Kylo started. “I’m not looking for anyone’s forgiveness.”

That seemed to click with Finn. He nodded slowly, then a little more confidently. “Yeah. Yeah, okay.”

Kylo watched him leave before turning to the envelope in his hand. It almost seemed a shame to ruin the paper by ripping it open, so he found a pocket knife and carefully cut the top open. When he opened the letter inside, there were flowers ringing the edges in bright, blazing colors. So full of life… _Just like Rey._

Then his eyes finally landed on the words themselves.

_Dear Ben,_

_Sorry about the other day. Finn can be rather protective of me._

_I’ve tried to explain everything to him, but I don’t think he understands._

_Please don’t think too badly of him._

_Here’s my number so we can text and plan our next meet up._

_XXX-XXX-XXXX_

_See you soon! ☺❁_

_Rey_

Kylo couldn’t help but smile at her words. He grabbed his phone and began a text.

_Hi, it’s Ben_ _  
__Just so you know, I go by Kylo now  
_ _How’s your foster mom?_

It was a few hours before Rey replied. Kylo had gotten caught up in another sketch.

_She’s feeling a bit better today, thanks for asking  
No offense, but that’s a terrible name  
Kylo? Where’d you come up with that? _👀

_I chose it to honor my mentor_

_Really? What’d they think of it?_

_…….he hated it_

😂   
_Never calling you Kylo, sorry_

He failed to bite back a laugh at that. 

_Rude_

* * *

Days turned into weeks, and still Kylo and Rey had no more answers about their connection than before. Rey insisted on meeting every few days despite their lack of progress, just in case. Once her school let out for the summer, she began to drop by anytime she had a free hour.

She told him -without prompting on Kylo’s part- about how she’d spent the last ten years. It was almost as if she’d been on a path completely opposite his. Where he had floundered, she thrived. Once she changed schools and began making more progress in speech therapy, she gained much more confidence. That propelled her to think about a teaching degree during college, and when Maz had started having troubles with her health, she gladly took a job at her old high school.

Kylo felt some pride in the fact that Rey opened up to him, despite the fact he remained mostly tight-lipped about most of his life since freshman year. Rey made him put down his troubles for a moment and just enjoy her presence.

“Why do you think it alwahys feels so rehlaxing when we’re too-gether?” Rey asked him one day. She was beginning to speak aloud more often around him, but still used a mix of signing and just putting thoughts into his head just to figure out how _that_ worked.

Kylo coughed sharply, just barely avoiding choking on his own spit. He had been pretending to work on a sketch for a client, just to seem busy. But his mind couldn’t stay focused when Rey was asking questions like that. They made him want to confess things he shouldn’t be thinking about at all. Rey was off-limits. He knew this. It was just easy to forget that when she was around.

“Wish I knew, but it’s nice,” he replied, smiling up at her as she picked up random pieces of equipment and ink. Rey liked to tinker with things and found the heavily modified tools of a tattoo shop to be endlessly fascinating. 

She beamed at him, and a feeling of guilt crept through his insides. He’d continued to sell tools, sell possessions, make up a last will and testament with a cheapo strip mall legal office. It’d been even slower work than usual -agonizing, really- because Kylo barely wanted it anymore. Not when Rey was around. That was beginning to become a problem.

He was still shit at his job. No matter how much he tried to promote himself, Kylo hadn’t gotten any new clients. Unless he counted Rey, who just hung around the shop and picked out her favorite pieces of flash from the walls. But unfortunately, she wasn’t helping him pay the bills.

“What’s your nehxt tattoo going to be?”

Now, she was leaning over his shoulder, watching him draw a wolf surrounded by roses. Just something to practice a traditional tattoo style after spending weeks drawing portraits of her. A whiff of her shampoo floated past his nostrils -flowers, of course.

“I don’t know,” he said quietly. “I don’t have anything I want to get just yet.”

The truth was that he wasn’t ever going to get another tattoo, not in the time he had left. And he didn’t have the money anyway.

_Seems like a shocking thing for a tattoo artist to say,_ she signed with a giggle.

Kylo hummed and tried to concentrate on the sketch. “How’s Maz doing? Is she feeling any better this week?”

_She’s been feeling strong the past couple of days! I’ve been so relieved,_ Rey told him. She continued to chatter on about Maz, the kids she was fostering at the moment, and their daily dramas, which was so much easier to think about than all of his problems.

* * *

There was no reason to be scared of the man across the counter, and yet trepidation was all he felt at his presence. Maybe it was the suit. Maybe it was the smile. He’d always found that smile to be a reason to worry.

Kylo plastered on a fake smile of his own and walked over, his hand out and ready to shake. “Hux, good to see you. How long has it been?”

Hux’s head dipped down to look at the tattoo on Kylo’s forearm, his lips crinkling with disgust for a split second at the variegated lines and shading like stylized smoke. But the grin returned to the redhead’s face in an instant.  
  
“Too long, Ben. How are you?” he asked as they shook hands. “Oh, sorry, I meant Kylo.”

Kylo shrugged. “No big deal. I’m doing alright.”

“Really? Your shop seems rather...empty.” 

With a nervous laugh, Kylo dropped Hux’s hand and ran his hand through his hair. “It’s been a slow few months. I’m moving away in August anyway.”

Hux’s grin faltered. “Are you now? Why’s that?”

“Oh, just need a change of pace, I think.”

“Well, I suppose that makes this a lot easier then.” There was a slap on the counter. Hux had placed a leather briefcase there, and began to remove a set of documents. “You’re being evicted for non-payment of rent. You have three days to vacate the premises or the police will escort you out.”

The papers were shoved into his hands before he knew it. Kylo couldn’t make the text out when he looked down at them.  
  
“B-but the landlord and I- we had an agreement for the last three months of my lease?”

Hux gave him a bored look. “Your landlord sold this strip mall two months ago. My father’s company owns it now. We’ll be turning it into something more… upscale.” 

Rage and confusion and pain all came to pummel away at his heart. “There’s literally one month left on my lease!” 

“Sorry, Ben. I thought you were _aware_ of the sale.” Hux’s tone was cruel, mocking. Just like he had always been. “Don’t take it out on me.”

The world around him teetered dangerously, making Kylo dizzy. His knees grew weak and he gripped the counter for support. What was the point of his life anymore? He was going to run out his lease, pay off his remaining debts, and then end it all and finally be free of every crushing obligation.

But now he couldn’t even do that. He couldn’t even wrap it up like he wanted to, make it easy for his mom. Now he’d have to rent a storage unit with the money he didn’t have. He’d be stuck in his apartment all day with nowhere to go, nowhere to be, and _still_ nothing to do. Worthless. Forgotten. Unneeded.

“FUCK!” 

Kylo could feel himself falling down further into the dark pit he’d called home for so long, tears stinging his eyes. When had he started trying to climb out of it? Fat lot of good it did him. The world didn’t want him. That had been made perfectly clear over and over and _over_ again. Why should it be any different now?

“Get ahold of yourself, man,” he heard Hux scoff at him from behind the counter. _That fucking prick._

“Just get the fuck out!”

“I was just-”

“OUT!”

* * *

His head was screaming.

At some point, he’d repeatedly knocked it into the back of the counter, and now he was paying for it. Another easily avoidable mistake. One of many. Far too many. When was he ever going to learn not to make shitty mistakes? Guess that would be never.

Kylo was distantly aware that the door to the shop was unlocked, that there were papers strew about, where they’d flown when he threw them at Hux. The lights were too bright, and he wanted to switch them off, but that meant moving. Moving meant effort. Clearly life did not want him there any more, so why should he bother with bullshit like making an effort? He’d end it right here on the floor behind the counter if he had a way to do it. Nothing in the shop promised something quick and relatively painless.

“Behn?”

He choked on a gasp as Rey appeared before him. Just her legs, really, because she was standing next to him and he was too scared to lift his gaze up at her. The shop door hadn’t chimed. He would have noticed because just the sound of her voice hurt his head.

“Behn, what’s wrong?” Rey crouched down and assembled herself on the floor next to him, her face knitted tight with concern. “Why are you crying?”

He squeezed his eyes closed, not wanting to look at her, not when he was like this. It hurt too much, seeing her when all he had to offer was his pain and his mistakes.  
  
Taking a deep, ragged breath, Kylo tried to pull himself together enough to tell her that he didn’t want company. But before he could, a delicate hand wrapped itself around his forearm and another found its way to his cheek. Gently, she wiped away the tears spilling out of his eyes. 

_Hey, hey, it’s going to be okay,_ she whispered to him, so soft and loving through the bond. _Whatever it is, I’m here to help. You’re not alone._

There had only been a few times they’d touched since that one night in the park. The first time had been when Rey tried to pull the back of her shirt to show him more of her sunflower tattoo, but couldn’t quite reach, so she told him to do it for her. The subsequent times had mostly been when she’d wanted to know the story behind one of his tattoos. Something about their connection amplified each touch, sending a reverberation through their skin, making them laugh at how it tickled. For Kylo, it just confirmed that he was hopelessly in love with her.

Looking at her now, how could he not be? She was so kind and caring, so ready to give what she could. Here they were, a former bully and his victim, and not only had they become something like friends -she was here, comforting him as his life swirled down the drain. Her thumb rubbed a calming circle by his wrist while she brushed hair out of his face. 

The only problem was the fact that he absolutely didn’t deserve her. How could he ever? After all he did to her, all that he’d done since, there was no way he could never come close to her light, her perfection.

“Rey,” he croaked. It was making him dizzy, the way she kept touching him. Her smell and warmth surrounded him. No doubt she could make him do just about anything she wanted like this. “It’s the shop. I’m being evicted in three days.”

“Oh, Behn,” she said, inhaling sharply. _I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I’ll come over. I’ll help._

“I don’t want you to see me like this.”

Rey cocked her head. _I can see you right now, silly._

“Oh.”

“That’s right. Oh,” she laughed.

He felt his lips turn upward in a pathetic attempt at a smile. It didn’t hold for too long, and Rey just looked back at him sympathetically, continuing the rhythmic circles on his wrist.

“I’ll come over,” she repeated.

Kylo found himself whining. “No, please, it’s not your mess to deal with.”

Rey just smiled, and brushed his cheek with her fingers again before leaning in. Kylo had just a moment to register the shiver running down his spine and how beautiful her eyes looked before they closed and her lips met his.

For the first time in his life, Kylo felt whole. Like a missing piece had finally slotted into place. It gave him so much energy, so much hope, so much love to feel her in his arms. He wanted to cry with joy, he wanted to kiss her back. He could feel that Rey felt the same, that she wanted him to kiss her too, all her elation pouring through.

But as per usual his stupid, stupid brain kicked in and a thought leaked out of his mind.

_I can’t._

The last thing he saw before the connection closed was Rey’s shocked and hurt expression.

* * *

Kylo felt absolutely numb. 

But at some point he was hungry and cold enough that he couldn’t stand to stay on the floor anymore. He grabbed his keys, locked up the shop, and went through a drive thru. It was more expensive than any of his meals for last last six months, but fuck it. His life was ruined and he might as well eat something decent during the last few days of it. Too bad he could barely taste a thing. Back at his apartment, Kylo washed it down with glass after glass of whiskey before finally giving in to sleep.

The next morning brought a pounding headache and the weight of all his problems on him. There was one last appointment scheduled. He’d have to cancel it. Things needed to be packed. He needed boxes. Probably movers too, but where would he even move things to? He couldn’t afford a storage unit. He couldn’t afford fucking anything. There was maybe $50 left in his bank account, and $300,000 worth of debt to worry about.

And then there was Rey.

He tried his best not to think about her all morning. There was simply no time. Not when he had to pack up the shop in less than 72 hours. Not when his life was being upended before he ended it. But it still haunted him as he showered, as he dressed, as he drove to the shop.

How perfect it had been. His body sang with joy every time his mind lingered on it. But it wasn’t right. He’d only hurt her more. He already had. _God,_ the look on her face when she heard him through the connection. But it was for the best. It really was. Especially when he was just going to kill himself anyway.

He unlocked the door and bent over to start picking up the papers strewn everywhere. One of them had a footprint on them. Probably Hux’s. Kylo wondered if that mattered at all.

_You’re going to be dead,_ he reminded himself. _Nothing’s going to matter much then._

The shop door chimed.

Kylo straightened himself quickly, trying to keep the papers organized. “Hi, welcome. We’re not quite open yet.”

There was a comical amount of flattened boxes stacked in the arms of whomever was in the doorway. They were currently trying to wriggle their way inside, and he almost wanted to laugh when it hit him.

Rey and Hux were the only people who knew about the eviction, and somehow he doubted Hux wore skinny jeans and purple tennis shoes. He hadn’t even told his mother yet, so it wouldn’t be some half-hearted attempt on her part to help him.

The stack of boxes landed on the counter with a smack and revealed Rey, staring at him with worry and determination.

“I’ve come to help,” Rey said and signed, for emphasis. Kylo knew she wasn’t going to take no for an answer, not easily anyway.

“Rey,” he groaned. “Really, I’ll be fine.”

_There’s no way you can do this all by yourself in time,_ she signed, with a knowing glare. _And I happen to have a lot of free time on my hands at the moment, so I’m helping._

Kylo closed his eyes and leaned against the counter. “I think after yesterday, maybe it’s better that you stay away from me. I’m only going to hurt you. That’s all I’m good for.”

“Nope,” her voice rang through his ears, sharp and unyielding. “If you don’t like me back, then fiihne. We’ll just be friends or something. But we’re not going to ignore each other for another tehn years ah-gain.”

Her elbow nudged at his side, and Kylo’s eyes flew open. He scrambled to get out of her way as she began to lift the partition that allowed them back behind the counter and into the shop. She held it open for him, and he followed her in. Then she began to take boxes and tape them together.

“Tehll me what to start pahcking,” she demanded as soon as she finished with the boxes. 

“Whatever you want,” he grumbled.

Rey huffed at that and turned to a cabinet of inks. She dragged the box over and started trying to carefully place each item inside of the cardboard. Kylo wanted to tell her that it was a terrible way to pack and transport them. The ink bottles should have been carefully repackaged in their original boxes with plenty of bubble wrap in between each one at least, but who gave a shit anymore? He didn’t even know where the original boxes were, let alone where to store them.

He let her work in silence and rubbed his hands over his face, trying desperately to gain some clarity. Where the fuck should he even start? The autoclaves were heavy and expensive, but there was probably no reason to keep sterilizing the equipment (as if it hadn’t been sterilized repeatedly just because Kylo had nothing better to do), so he started there. Then he dragged out the tool box and began removing the bolts that secured the chairs. 

By then Rey had packed up a great deal of supplies and had drifted over to his desk. He looked up to see her flipping through his notebook, and his heart sank when he realized she’d see the sketches he’d done of her.

“These are beh-beautiful,” she told him as he approached, pointing to one of her in shorts and a loose shirt. “When did you do these?”

“After you’d go home,” he told her, the anxiety building up in his gut. “You’re not bothered by it?”

“No, I’m honored.” She gave him a knowing smile, teasing him, begging him to just admit that he felt the same way she did. But Kylo pressed his lips together and turned his head away.  
  
“I don’t usually draw portraits, but I was looking for something to practice. For a client,” he lied.

Rey hummed and turned back to his sketchbook, turning each page carefully, studying it. He watched her for a moment more, heart stinging beneath his chest each time the paper slid through the metal spirals. 

He had just moved to one of the chairs and kneeled to remove the caps on the bolts when he heard the pages stop. Kylo didn’t think anything of it until Rey’s scared voice rang through his mind.

_Ben, are you planning to kill yourself?_

Kylo’s head hit the seat hard, eliciting a loud “ _fuck!_ ” from his lips. His hand reached up to cover the sore spot as he whirled to face Rey.

His checklist. His suicide note. He had forgotten that they were in the back of the sketchbook.

_Fuck._ **_Fuck._ **

His mouth flapped open as he tried to find the words. Rey was still scanning the pages, reading them.  
  
“No, I-I- I’m moving. In August. I just went through a phase last month where-”

Tears welled up in her eyes. _Is that really true?_ _This says you had an appointment to draft up a will last week._

She turned to look at him, eyes full of fear, confusion, and pleading. “W-why?”

The shame was white hot on his skin. She could see right through all his lies. No one was supposed to know. No one was supposed to _care._ Yet here Rey was, looking for all the world like her heart was breaking.

God, he’d managed to fuck up _again._ How many more ways could his life go south? It was infuriating.

Rey put the notebook down and dropped to the floor. The tears were running down her cheeks, down her neck, her chest. She covered her mouth as a sob escaped her lips.

Kylo closed his eyes. He knew what he had to do.

Slowly, he stood and made his way over to Rey. He wrapped his hands carefully around her arms and helped her to her feet, moving to rub her back as she regained her balance.

“Wha-” she started.

“I think it’s time we end this,” he said softly. “We both know it’s not going to end well otherwise. I’m just going to hurt you, and I couldn't stand to do that to you again.”

She looked up at him in confusion, a shiver running through her at his touch. He smiled at her, trying to keep his calm and hoping it would pass onto her. It was really inevitable. For the best. 

“Don’t worry. I’m just moving away. It’s time for a change in my life,” he lied as they moved to the front door. He pushed it open with his hip and led Rey through it.

They walked to her car and he opened the door for Rey. “You gonna be alright to drive home?”

She looked up at him, a mess of emotions and thoughts swirling through her hazel eyes. Ben leaned in and kissed her forehead. “Take care, sweetheart.”

Then he walked back to the shop, locked the door, and decided that tomorrow would be a good day to die.


	7. Chapter 7

****

Boxes towered over Kylo’s bed when he woke the next day. He’d crammed everything he could into his studio apartment, then drank himself to a stupor. It was all he could do to try and forget about the tears sliding down Rey’s cheeks.

_It’s for the best,_ he told himself. _You’d only hurt her more._

But it hurt him to push her away. There was no denying it in the light of morning, his head pounding from the bottle he’d downed last night. Wasn’t something like what he had with Rey been what he’d always wanted? Love and acceptance and comfort. She’d somehow given him all those things effortlessly _despite_ their past. 

But that didn’t erase his mistakes. It didn’t erase his debts, his addictions, his problems, it just eased the loneliness. There was no crawling out of the pit. There was only waiting to die there as the rest of the world passed him by.

* * *

Kylo had a new plan.

He’d empty the shop, leave what he couldn’t fit into his apartment or car out front to be hauled away, then he’d kill himself inside. Leave his body for Hux to find the next day. It was only right to fuck up his life a little, the way Hux had fucked up Kylo’s. Kylo couldn’t think of a more deserving person. An accusatory suicide note and a police investigation would delay construction at the very least, and that made him feel a little better about the whole thing.

It took hours to drag out what was left, and by mid-afternoon, Kylo was sweating profusely in the July heat. But he was almost done with everything. Thank fuck.

“Hey, is that equipment all from Ren’s Tattoos?” 

Kylo looked up at the two women exiting a white truck. One was short and Asian with black bangs, a septum piercing, and a commanding nature about her. The other, a black woman with a fluffy twist-out flashed him a gap-toothed smile. Kylo noticed she had a colorful splash running down her arm, like paint dripping down it.

“It is. The shop is closing. New landlord evicted me.”

The black woman scowled. “Fuck, that’s a real shame. I got my first tattoo here.”  
  
“That was back when Ren owned the place.” Kylo said with a shrug. “He had to quit. After that, the shop stopped making money.”

“That’s so sad,” she replied as her friend took her hand and squeezed it. They shared a look that Kylo couldn’t quite parse, but he wondered if they were more than friends.

“Are you selling anything?” the Asian woman asked him, eying a box of inks that was probably expired. “We’ve got a new shop a few towns over. We could use stuff.”

Kylo blinked. “Uh, sure, I guess. I’ve been trying to sell shit online for weeks and no dice. I don’t have any place to put this stuff.” 

The two women grinned at each other in excitement and began to poke through boxes with vigor. One pulled out a tattoo gun and oo-ed at it, while the other carefully checked a bottle of white ink for the expiration date.   
  
“I’ve got more at my apartment and in my car, actually. Couldn’t fit much in there though,” he told them. 

They looked at each other again questioningly, seemed to come to some kind of silent agreement, then stood up and approached him.   
  
“I’m Rose Tico, nice to meet you,” the Asian woman informed him, sticking out her hand.

The black woman did the same. “Jannah Calrissian.”

“Uhh, Kylo Ren,” he said, taking Rose’s hand first, then Jannah’s. “Nice to meet you both.”

They smiled politely at him. “What can $500 get us?”

* * *

It was actually a little bit of a relief to make the sale. It was another $500 he didn’t have to worry about anyway. Rose and Jannah had made him a deal to take the first load of equipment to their shop, then drive over to his apartment to check out the rest.   
  
As they picked through the boxes, they had told them a bit about their shop, and how they wanted to bring more feminine aesthetics to the art. How they’d met and fallen in love at their first shop. How they’d come up with their dream shop together and finally achieved the dream last year. It made Kylo happy that was glad his old stuff was all going to a good home, a loving home. Even if he couldn’t give them any tips on how to run a successful shop when they asked.

They pulled into the parking lot and Kylo immediately noticed their sign —“Resistance Tattoos” — with a neo-traditional pin-up girl flexing her bicep with a snarl and a wink. It was cheeky and refreshing. He wondered which one of them had designed it. 

His muscles groaned under the weight of the box of inks as he shouldered his way through the door. The thought crossed his mind that he was going to be really sore tomorrow, then he remembered there was no tomorrow to worry about.

“Heeeey!” a raspy voice called out from behind a partition. “Welcome!”

Kylo set the box down and held the door open for Jannah and Rose as they came through with boxes of their own, but he couldn’t help but stare. The shop was bursting with color, from the walls painted a vibrant, jungle-y green, to the colorful artwork up front, and several potted plants. The vinyl chairs were a deep magenta to contrast with the walls and give it a kitschy, retro look.

“Like what you see?” Rose teased.

Kylo felt himself flush, even though he was only staring at the decor. “Nice place.”

“Come on in, we’ll give you a tour,” Jannah said pulling on his arm. 

He followed them behind the counter, and past the partition. Most of the stations had photos of clients and little pieces of art tacked around them, but one was empty. They introduced him to Kaydel, owner of the raspy voice, who wore her long blonde hair in buns and did body piercings for the shop. 

“All the stuff you’re selling us is going help out _so much,_ ” Rose told him.

The chime rang and Ben looked up instinctively. Rey stood in the doorway, her eyes looking red, the skin under them baggy and pale. He’d never seen her look so pale, so sickly. Usually her skin was tanned just so, bringing out her freckles. His stomach twisted at the sight. 

_All your fault,_ his brain unhelpfully supplied.

“Oh! You made it, just in time,” Rose squeaked as she rushed over to the counter. Rey looked over at Kylo then at Rose, and smiled weakly.

“What the fuck,” Kylo whispered.

A hand clamped on his shoulder.   
  
“Our friend Rey wants a new tattoo,” Jannah chirped, acting as if nothing unusual was going on at all. “We told her there’d be a new guest artist in today that she might be interested in talking to.”

“You set this up?” he growled, instincts kicking in to fight whatever was happening. He didn’t know why. It was just Rey, but it scared him nonetheless. “How the fuck? We don’t even know each other!”

Kaydel came up on the other side of him. “Nah, we didn’t set you up. Rey did all this. We’re just helping out.”

He looked back up at the counter where Rey was holding onto Rose’s hands like her life depended on it. She looked nervous, ready to cry. He could feel it as their connection opened and let her inside of him, the waves of her sadness and anxiety and fear washing over him.

“If you break her heart any more than you already have, we’re going to tie you up and have Kaydel give you a Prince Albert,” Jannah whispered.

They pushed him awkwardly to the front of the counter, and held him there.   
  
“Here’s that new tattoo artist we told you about, Rey,” Kaydel said cheerily. “He just joined our shop today!”

Kylo frowned at Rey as she cautiously looked up at him. _Joined the shop?_

_They just wanted to help,_ she signed quickly.

“Rey,” Rose goaded softly. “Tell him what kind of tattoo you want.”

Her body tensed and he saw Rey squeeze Rose’s hand far too tight. She set her jaw and stared him down, but he could see how nervous she was. “A-a hah-rt.”  
  
Kylo inhaled, his chest stinging with pain. “Just a heart? Anyone could do that for you.”

Her eyes didn’t falter or stray from his. He wished they would. “With the words ‘Be With Me’ ins-inside.”

“Think you can do it, Kylo?” Jannah asked, a sly smile on her face. “Rey’s been wanting another tattoo for awhile. She was heartbroken when she learned about Ren’s Tattoos closing. She was determined to have you do it.” 

“I can do it, but-”

“Good!” Kaydel replied, patting his shoulder lightly in a friendly manner. “We’ll leave you to work out the details, then we’ll help you get your new station set up for your first appointment!”

Kylo felt their hands loosen and leave his shoulders. Rose gave Rey’s hand another squeeze before pulling away. Rey’s eyes stayed on him. Behind her, the other women filed out of the shop.

“Do you really want this tattoo?” he asked, once they had stepped out of view of the shop’s windows.

_Are you still planning to kill yourself?_ she signed.

“Rey…” A sigh escaped his lips. There was just no way to convince her what he was doing was the best solution, the only solution, really, to everything that plagued him. Other people didn’t understand the reasons why. For them it was easy. Mistakes could be corrected, not made worse. He only made things worse.

“Please juhst tell me what’s going on beh-because I don’t understand.” She cringed at her own voice, then one of her hands reached out to him and brought his hand into both of hers. She cradled his fingers gently and brought them up to her lips, just lightly letting them caress the tender skin of her mouth. _I don’t understand. I can barely stand to be apart from you for a single day, but you want to leave forever?_

“It hurts me too,” he mumbled. “But I don’t deserve you, and my life is so fucked up. I don’t even know where to begin fixing it.”

_Why is it so bad? Because you lost the store? The girls are serious about letting you work here, you know. They’ve been looking for a fourth person for_ _months._

“It’s not just that, it’s-”

“Then tell me,” she insisted. “ _Please._ I want to know all of it.”

Her eyelids fluttered closed and she pressed his hand tighter against her mouth, but Kylo knew she was listening.

“I’m in debt. Three hundred thousand. Third of that is what it cost me to buy the shop from my mentor. Then there’s debt from the year of university I failed out of, and then a fuck ton of gambling debts. Mostly gambling and drugs, if I’m being honest.”

Kylo took a breath and realized that he’d never said most of that out loud before. It’d always only been in his mind. Not even his mother knew about half of it. 

“My dad died four years ago. Like right in front of me, dropped to the ground from a heart attack and didn’t last until the paramedics got there.”

Rey gasped quietly. “Oh, Behn…”

His throat was growing tight at the thought of his father, like it always did. The grief still felt so fresh, even after years. He let loose a shuddering sigh as tears splashed down his cheeks.

“My life has been shit for the past 10 years, Rey. Every time I thought it was getting better, either I fucked up or something happened, and it just got worse. I don’t know how to make it better. I’m so tired of _trying._ ”

One of her hands reached out to swipe a few tears away. _What if I helped you? Maybe it was just too much for one person. Maybe it’d be easier with two?_

Instinctively, he leaned into her touch. It was terribly comforting just to feel someone touch him because they cared, because they loved him. But that wasn’t really enough in the end.

“I can’t do that to you,” he whispered. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore than I already have.”

_Killing yourself and leaving me alone in this world would hurt worse than anything else you could possibly do to me._

Their eyes met again and he realized Rey was crying too. That she was crying because all she wanted to do was help him and make his life better, so that they could share it together. As her tears splashed down to where their hands were still joined, he thought of what life could be like working in this little shop with all the plants and colors; and the women who were currently out in the parking lot trying not to look too much at the windows of their own shop so that he and Rey could talk. 

Jannah had an arm around Rose’s shoulder, her lips pressed to the top of her hair. It was just a little gesture, but Kylo found himself aching for it. How long had it been since anyone hugged him like that? Or touched him like Rey did?

He remembered what it was like at Ren’s before everyone had left him. It had been so much easier then. He could think about other things like promoting himself as an artist, whittling away at his debts, he could eat decent food and go out for a drink sometimes. Things had been hard, but in those few years he’d felt accepted and still hopeful for the future.

And if Rey were around...Just getting to see her smile when she visited the shop had been the only highlight of the last month. Touching her now, Kylo could feel the ebb and flow of her swirling around him through their connection, trying to hold him, trying to comfort him. If this was how it was always meant to be, he felt even more shame over pushing her away all those years ago. How would his life gone if they’d become friends, maybe dated, and just never been apart all these years? 

The possibilities ran through his mind. How much easier it would have all been to have someone smile up at him, to reassure him, just to talk to when he got lonely. Even if it could only be that much, maybe it would really be easier.

“Do they really want me to work here?” 

Rey’s eyes widened and she jerked up to look outside, then back at Kylo. _Yes! I mean, they probably want to get to know you a bit better before it’s final, but they were really excited at the possibility. Things are a little tight with just the three of them paying rent on the shop._

Kylo hummed and uncurled his hand, letting it shift and intertwine with Rey’s. She breathed in sharply in surprise, but immediately laced their fingers together and her thumb began to stroke his.  
  
“I love you so much,” he said softly. “But I’m scared of hurting you again. I don’t know if I can be with you without causing you pain.”

“Behn,” she said with a laugh. _You’re going to hurt me from time to time, but that’s normal in a relationship. That’s just how it is._

“I’ve never been in a relationship.”

Rey bit her lip and leaned forward to press her forehead to his. “Nothing felt right?”

“Yeah, basically.” It made him smile a little bit, to feel her skin against his, to know that she had felt the exact same way he had.

_We just have to remember to talk to each other, instead of running away like we did before,_ she said. _There’s no one else in the world who can understand me like you do. My whole life it’s been a constant struggle to communicate with everyone else, but with you, I can say anything easily. I hope one day you’ll feel that way too._

“I already do. You’re the only one who’s ever tried to understand me,” Kylo smiled and felt Rey smiling back at him as her lips dipped in for a kiss. 

“I lohve you,” she whispered as she pulled back.

It felt like heaven to hear her say it, so he pulled her in for another kiss, this time long and slow.

“I love you too.”

* * *

Rey watched Ben’s fingers nimbly dart around the screen, perfecting a line here, adding a little more shading there. Her new tattoo was almost done and it was even better than the heart she had suggested months ago. _No-_ it was perfect. 

Two little swallows curved around each other, heads pressed together, with a little heart above them. Just like she and Ben had been ever since that day. 

Maybe their relationship was still the honeymoon phase, but it hadn’t been smooth sailing either. His debts and depression still lingered over Ben’s heart and head, but therapy and medication had been helping him cope. And last month, they’d made a solid $2000 selling off the rest of the things from Ren’s Tattoos at a yard sale at the store. Ben showed off his work by doing $15 tattoos with Rose while Jannah and Kaydel ran the sale with Rey. It would take a long time for his debts to clear, but they’d chip away at it slowly.

Ben turned to look at her, his raised eyebrows showing how nervous he was. “What do you think?” 

Rey broke out into a smile as she leaned in for a closer look, but the answer was already on the tip of her tongue. “It’s beh-beautiful.” 

Ben’s face pulled back into a smile immediately and Rey’s heart fluttered. _God,_ she still wasn’t over his smiles, the ones that lit up his face with pure joy.   
  
“Really?”

“It’s so sweet, and so you,” she said as she rubbed his shoulder. “I’m gohing to sneak off to the bathroom at work and peek at it every chance I get.”

His cheeks flushed pink at that, and their hands found each other as she leaned forward for a kiss. 

“Groooosssss,” Jannah droned teasingly from behind them. “Are you guys ready yet?”

They pulled away laughing and Ben tapped away at the screen of his tablet. “Juuuuuust about.”

The printer whirred to life and began its work while Rose came over and rolled up Rey’s sleeve.   
  
“Normally I wouldn’t be interested in doing a couple’s tattoo, but this is going to look so cute on you,” she sighed. “It’s disgusting how perfect you are for each other.” 

Rey’s eyes found Ben’s immediately, and she bit her lip. _If only Rose knew._

_Shh, don’t tell,_ he sent over with a wink.

“You say that like you and Jahn-nah aren’t cute,” Rey retorted. Her two friends blushed and shook their heads, as she laughed.

As Rose transferred the ink to Rey’s skin, she watched Ben strip his shirt off so Jannah could do the same for his tattoo. Rey had come up with the concept, and Rose and Jannah were more than willing to help her refine it.  
  
When she showed the design to Ben, he’d broken down into tears and held her tight, whispering about how perfect it was. The sunflower mirrored her own tattoo, the one that he always took to kissing whenever he got a chance. When he saw the sharp, simple lines and bright colors she had proposed, he decided to put it in the center of his chest, so that he could always look down and be reminded of her - _his sunshine._

Rey laid down on the chair, positioning herself so Rose could start. She looked over at the other chair where Jannah was currently applying the transfer to Ben’s skin.  
  
“Ready?”   
  
“I can’t wait.” Ben smiled and nodded, reaching out a hand to her.

She took it and blew him a kiss just as their friends started up their machines _._

Ben squeezed her fingers and straightened his torso. Jannah made contact with his skin and he yelped. “Fuck! I think I know why I never got a tattoo there before.That hurts!”

All four of them stopped and burst out into laughter. As their giggles subsided, Ben sent a few words through the bond.

_Love you, sunshine._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gosh! We finally made it to the end! I hope you enjoyed the ending, especially MahoganyDoodles for whom this was written. It's probably the sweetest, goopiest thing I've ever written. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who's been following along and leaving comments <3


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